Trying new medication

So last crisis… that passed. I kind of made peace with my own mind the next day. You don’t know how tired are you of a situation until you beat your own brain to death, in a metaphorical way of course. Thank god I usually just go crazy on the internet, I can’t imaging my mom face if I told her how fast my mind change over a situation, I was having a lot of anxiety a day and the next I was “fuck it, I’m too tired for this shit”. Pressuring myself to do things I’m not prepare to do it’s just gonna make me lose my sanity, so let me stop okay?

Finally I’m trying a new medication after leaving behind Lexapro for good, that was like… 7 months ago maybe, I have to admit I liked how it reduced my obsessive thoughts but I couldn’t take one minute more of my jaw feeling painfully pressed, to the point I was always self-conscious of my mouth. I was prescribed Zoloft 50mg, I took it for the first time yesterday and surprisingly, it made me hella hyper, I’ll take a chance and even call it a “chemical happy peak”, but it’s so fake that’s annoying me I want to feel fine not extremely energetic, please body just adjust already. It gave a me a little nausea as well but that’s manageable.

I think I’ll go down to 25mg tho, since it’s making my hands shake and it’s giving insomnia. But I’ve been told it’s normal for the first weeks, since my brain is adjusting and all that fun stuff. Other reason I want to go down it’s cause I just bought two boxes with 10 pills each and since I live in a crazy ass country is really hard to find this type of medication on ANY pharmacy. I was lucky this time. So if I have to leave it when it’s over I won’t be asking for electroshock after.

OCD: I’m relapsing, toxic mental health content (reassurance seeking)

I feel like losing that meetup I talked about in my last post triggered a compulsion I haven’t done in months. For fuck’s sake this is annoying me, I can feel the anxiety underneath my skin… somewhere hiding behind the connections inside my brain, she wants an excuse to put me down and make me panic about school, about people, about my future. About everything. I don’t want this I’m scared. I want to keep getting better.

I’m on tumblr right now scrolling through my dash and rebloging posts here and there to keep my mind away from intrusive thoughts, but there’s this part of tumblr I can’t go because I know it will make me ill, there’s are certain tags all of them belongs to the mental health community that are really full of bullshit (Ironically I tag some posts on here with those tags). You see, the tumblr’s mental health community is shit and toxic, not entirely of course, some people there use the platform as a way of venting just like some of us do on here… which is totally cool with me but there’s some people who loves the attention “relatable content” give to their blogs, so they put out there really toxic material that… sometimes it makes you throw yourself into the rabbit hole without even noticing, you could be really fine before clicking… and then, after an hour of scrolling you’ll feel like nothing matters anymore. That’s how awful it is.

For example, there’s post mocking about suicidal thoughts, how much they dissociated from themselves, everything in the name of “edgy humor”.

I was obsessed over this side of tumblr last year… somewhere there between july and august, it took me a lot determination to step out of it and understand it was a compulsion. I don’t want to name names, but the PD community, specially the Avoidant Personality Disorder tumblr side is quite triggering, they love to put excuses for everything and, mind you, I’m not the right person to talk about -positivity- and -good vibes- but damn if you don’t root for your own self who is going to? Still don’t see it? How bad can it be, 10000 notes=shares is a scary number if you ask me.

Even if I know this I want to type down into the tumblr’s search bar so badly those tags… I feel this pulling force and the anxiety that comes from not doing it. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I have to admit I did searched on google OCD and social anxiety related websites, to be completely honest I even read a bunch of entries on a Social Anxiety Forum and TheMighty website. I’m guilty of that, but those sources are waaaay healthier than tumblr in any way possible for mental health matters. I need to fucking-stay-away-from-it.

I’m scared of college, like I always am, but I have new things in my life, things that makes me happy. But, I know hard days will be there… I know anxiety will be there, and I’m scared  of everything becoming too much to bare again, I don’t want to relapse into old habits and compulsions.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot racing thoughts before going to sleep and even some days I have so many thoughts collapsing in top of each other that they follow me to the dream world and won’t allow me to rest.

What do you do when you don’t feel strong enough? What do you do when everything feels too rushed?

I’m upset. I couldn’t go out with them today

This almost like livebloging my life, since this is happening right now and I’m feeling a little bit upset. You know I’m tired of people doing plans to go out a day before, and just casually sending you a message and expecting you check your fucking phone all the mother fucking time so you can notice when they let you know… “you know… tomorrow we’re going out”. Well yesterday I was busy, I was buying a bunch of stuff for my house, spending quality time with my family and no, I didn’t give a fuck about my phone because I don’t happen to be glue to my phone like you humans nowadays seems to be. I’m so tired of this bullshit. You know how easy is to plan your shit dates ahead so everybody can be in the same page. But what about spontaneity? You might ask… that’s fine a couple times, but all the fucking times… jesus, why if I don’t have money I can’t go, wouldn’t be more easy to ask ahead so I can save some money or shit? or I already was considering to do other things, if you give me time I can organized my time and maybe I can make it.

I’m upset because people expect from me to be like them, and I know this is no news, society push us all to try to be like everyone else, we walk on the right side here stupid! This is annoying me because one of my goals for this year, that I set in september of last year is to hang out with this stupid people I know from my university to try to improve my social anxiety, but they make it so hard for me to success.

Currently I’m not worry if they are gonna hate me for no going out with them… again. But the night is young, there’s always time to worry isn’t it? Fuck my brain who takes everything too personal and cares a lot.

This week have been nice you know? I’ve been spending time with the people of the hare krishna’s temple, people who I can be without having anxiety, I talked with my best friend about geeky shit and binge watch anime and kdramas.

This christmas holidays are way too short and to be honest I’m angry at the fact majority of the people have longer holidays than my university.

What trigger me the most is that the person who invited me to this hang out told me right now “thank god I put the date on the message”, what is that suppose to mean? I replied just a few minutes ago “I don’t understand”, he haven’t say anything so far… I wish I could make people experience how upsetting is this type of messages and even more that they don’t answer when you don’t understand whatever the fuck they were trying to say.

End.

42 Questions You’ve Probably Never Asked

I found those from this lovely blog. Feel free to answer them too!

 

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Emm my body… like with soup

 

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Black

3. Do you plan outfits? Always, can’t get out of the house without a proper outfit

4. How are you feeling right now? Tired, I’m avoiding bad thoughts

5. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red? A blanket

6. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I was in the hare krishna temple at 1:00a.m asking for the computer to check my email account, don’t ask… I don’t understand it either.

7. Did you meet anybody new today? Weeeell, kind of… meeting like meeting nah, but I had a conversation about kpop with a stranger..

8. What are you craving right now? Cinnamon rolls.

9. What comes to mind when you think of cabbage? Cesar salad

10. Have you ever counted to 1,000 before? Like in elementary school…

11. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick it I guess

12. Do you like your hair? I need to cut my bangs again but yes I love it, I’m a proud readhead.

13. Do you like yourself? I like my personality and how I look… but damn how I hate my avoiding tendencies.

14. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Not really.

15. What are you listening to right now? Transformers <- my parents are watching tv, someone help me

16. Are your parents strict? They are… well my mom she either expects a lot or she doesn’t care, bipolar issues you may say.

17. Would you go sky diving? No… you want me to die?

18. Do you like cottage cheese? Yep.

19. Have you ever met a celebrity? Well… kind of. I feel lazy to type what does that mean.

20. Do you rent movies often? Hahahaha.

21. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? I lighted a candle 30 minutes ago. It smells like lavender.

22. Have you made a prank phone call? With my cousin we used to call when we were little to the pharmacies to ask the most naughty products lmao we were so silly.

23. Ever been on a train? Yes, it was meh.

24. Brown or white eggs? I don’t know if I took white eggs before… neither if this is the proper way to write it.

25. Do you use chap stick? If I’m wearing liquid lipstick I put chapstick first.

26. Can you use chop sticks? No really.

27. Are you too forgiving? I guess I am, but it takes time…

28. Ever been in love? I don’t think so. Even tho I have a QPR right now, but is a very platonic love… it’s big and deep… but platonic.

29. Last time you cried?  Last week, I was watching a very sad game on youtube.

30. What was the last question you asked? Did the guy repair the kitchen?

31. Favorite time of the year? Winter, merely because I hate hot weather.

32. Do you have any tattoos? I don’t, but I want one on my back.

33. Are you sarcastic? Hell yeah.

34. Ever walked into a wall? ……………

35. Favorite color? Green, but pastel colors are my thing.

36. Have you ever slapped someone? Just once.

37. Is your hair curly? Yes it is.

38. Do looks matter? For me? Nah.

39. Do you like your life right now? Ugh, it could be better. It will be better.

40. Do you sleep with the TV on? I can’t stand the light so no.

41. Can you handle the truth? Depends, I’m sensitive as fuck.

42. Do you have good vision? Hahahaha with my glasses yes, without them it’s like watching a video in 240.

Fear of texting. Fuck mercury retrograde. Update.

Hello, pals, it’s been a while how are you? Did you eat something yummy this Christmas?

Planning tomorrow

I think one of my worse ‘overthinking’ habits is to have to plan what I’m gonna do ‘tomorrow’. But this doesn’t work as you’ll usually find people sitting on a desk planning their schedules. No, no, I’ll be cleaning the dishes and having this thought out of the blue “remember, tomorrow you have to do math’s homework”, and a few minutes later I’ll be sitting in the couch “remember, homework, tomorrow”, and suddenly I’ll feel angry at myself -I heard you the first time, leave me alone.- I don’t need to be remind every hour what I have to do, I know I have to do it. But that doesn’t stop in obligations and responsibilities, sometimes, like sundays, I’ll plan how and when I’ll text this x person because this y reason. I’ll plan at what time I’ll message them and what will I say in order to achieve my “social” goal. Sometimes it scares me how much I need my days to be in order, I secretly wish people would just follow my routine and stop planning things on the go. As you can tell I’m not much a spontaneous person. I’ll if I could force people to hang out with me in a schedule time holy moly we will make schedules for all with glitter and highlighters, so… here says that this day at this hour every week we will see each others faces do you understand? yes? Good, there will be not changes.

 

My life is kind of like that already, but of course, lifes happens, and that and anxiety will always find a way to make me feel like shit. That isn’t how Murphy law works? Anyways, this is why god doesn’t give me mind control powers.

Fucking assholes

Why in the fucking life people can’t shut the fuck up? TW: THIS IS A RANT

I can’t understand why people can’t just take their own lifes and live them without judging other people and acting like stupid assholes. Dude the way I live is out of your business, you don’t live in this body, you don’t think what I think, you don’t suffer what I do so let me take my own decisions fine? I know what’s best for me. Ok with that being said… this is the story. Today someone who don’t even know me tried to push me to smoke some shit I didn’t want to smoke, and me, a person who really have a hard time rejecting people couldn’t tell him to stop with enough determination for him to shut the fuck up and leave me a lone. You may think when psychology defines social anxiety as the fear to be rejected as a exaggeration. Is not. Believe me, we have a hard time telling people they are being assholes.

This happened with a persistence of 2 motherfucking hours. He was pushing and pushing, I was saying no and no, over and over. I don’t understand how someone find that funny. When I told my dad a few hours ago he said I should had say him to stop and even leave the place, but I wasn’t able to do that because I felt like that guy will feel like I was being rude, I was scared he will judge me… even tho it was obvious I was uncomfortable and I wanted to leave.

I’m 19 years old, and for some, this can sound like a short time in this earth, but you’ll suppose at this age I’ll be capable to walk away from a situation I don’t feel okay with.

The thing is I’m not even anxious about this I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I wish I had the power to glue people’s mouth so they shut the fuck up for once.

The only good thing is I never said yes. So he can go to suck Donald Trump’s wee wee.

 

Versatile Blogger Award… how?

Is been a while since a posted and I know this beautiful lady JustAnIndianGirl nominated me like years ago, but this past weeks have been like a roller coaster, up and down like you don’t imagine. But let’s not focus on that, because this is my first award I ever won on this blog and looks like I have other one somewhere waiting for me. I’ll post about it very soon.

I’m not sure if the title fits me well, do you guys think I’m versatile? That’s a major compliment and I can’t really express how awesome that is!

Here are the rules for this award:

• Share the award in your blog!
• Have fun.
• Feel proud to be a versatile and awesome.
• Share 7 or more ramrod facts about you

Here we go:

1. I’m a Capricorn and I believe deeply in signs and spiritual things.
2. I’ve a dog, his 11 years old and is a poodle, his name is Angel but Angel in spanish, is nothing like Eeeengel Aingel, ÀNgel that’s how it sounds.
3. I’m latina but sure I look white as fuck.
4. People call me for my second name, but I always struggle to explain this to teachers since they call you for the name that figures in the students list.
5. I love to eat coffee and cookies and mix them together to make like a delicious kind of pudding, is heaven.
6. I believe in aliens and even tho I love science and facts, I’m trash for Anciest Aliens History Channel Show.
7. I’m asexual, which means I don’t experience sexual attraction towards other people.

And that’s  it, I hope you enjoy it.

Now I’ll nominate the blogs I read all the time, that made me laugh and have fun:

thewishingwell: Amazing blogger, positive, her writing inspires you to look inside yourself and feel like there’s some light. I recommend this blog 100%, you’ll find a good laugh and actually good advices about how deal with this life, that we should call fight, since we’re always fighting on this earth.

mentaltruths: I know this girl for quite a while now and to be honest I always get excited when I see she posted something new. You’ll crack yourself reading her work, she’s raw and interesting, but overall she’s real. I’m really glad we met and we have the chance to shares thoughts and experiences.

recoverytowellness: A warrior princess, a passionate activist and… she have ocd? And I say this as a compliment because she had make me realize so many times I’m not ready to give up, that there are things I still want to do. Thank you for that Raquel.

toopolar: This blog is a venting space for someone I know is struggling, besides that I don’t find this a reason to not put him in this lists. We, the people who have hard times to stand up again, deserves to express ourselves in any way possible and with that, make others feel less alone.

 

 

A good week vs. a bad day, the anxiety version

I know, guys, I know… I said I’ll write when I have something positive to say but right now, in this very moment all I need is to vent. I need to say my demons names and call them out for what they are. You. Assholes. Get out of my temple for the holy power of god. I’m not kidding in any way, I want to let that clear. Today was one of those days that life is fine, you know? Morning didn’t come with a long dose of anxiety, you got dressed, made your homework, read your emails… everything is good, so you go by with life like the naive little punk you are, and then… something little or big happen and everything goes to hell.

I had math at the first hour, but before that I had to go to a class group at around 12:00m, apparently my teacher likes the concept of study groups, team work, help buddies and all that jazz, and not having enough with that, he gave it a percentage of the course’s grades, so I have to do it, like it or not. There’s five of us in that study group, but for my bad luck or good I don’t even know, we were just two studying for today’s assignment, and I’m not getting a star for “good at leading conversations” if you know what I mean, and apparently this girl knew everything but what I can do talk about. I can’t complain tho because she helped me with my homework, and besides I hate team work she explained me some things that I didn’t understand, -AND guys, listen, you gotta get help with that math hell, never ever ever say no if the life is offering you help with mathematics.

That was that.

I took my math class and all was good, this teacher is crazy but he knows how to teach, I have to give him that. Later, I went to Statistics, I know three people in there I spent the class with… I had say this before but as you know I love to repeat myself, I’m the introvert-ongoing-doesn’t know how to keep relationships-with hella social anxiety-good sense of humor-who can make people laugh-but it’s sure everyone hates me-tends to isolates herself… that’s me. I’m worst that Nostradamus predictions, with all that going on at the same time.

Statistics was good, I understood the class and I felt fine in there, actually I thought I had enough energy to go and “say hi” to my “friends” in University, you know what those “” mean right?

So, I met a friend in campus and we talked a little, then… the bad shit started to happen, people I didn’t know joined us and started talking and shit, later more people came, people I knew even but I was anxious already so I barely was keeping the “I’m dealing fine” face. I was controlling the situation tho, I forced myself to stay, I wanted to talk and spend time with people after all. But what really made me upset was a friend of mine, who is also the guy I kinda rejected last semester, I think I wrote about him here before, he said jokingly “I bet she lowkey hates us and everytime she sees us she fakes she likes us”, in my head right now he can go to suck dick, but in that moment I felt really bad because as a social anxious person that’s the impression we really hate the most to give people. That’s bullshit. I don’t know where all that shit came from. And damn, on paper looks more horrible than it was. I don’t know if I’m too sensitive. Forget that, I am, it’s obvious. I know one thing, my “”””friends””” are mostly boys, I don’t know the motive of this to be complete honest, but they are, and they treat themselves with this harsh sense of humor, but to be the subject of their jokes is completely different.

And on top of that, I went to the subway with one of this guyfriends, and oh no, guess what? He wasn’t leading the conversation either, instead of that he let the talk to me, TO ME, HOW FUCKING DARE HIM?, and I was worry half of the time for “am I doing too much eye contact?” and the other half “is this joke even funny?”, I made him laugh twice… but I still feel like I fail, I can’t handle socialization. And I was there like 1 hour… help me god.

When I got to my station I felt like crying, I was so fed up. My energy was -5%. My anxiety was “gimme that ativan bitch”%.

Thank god the body anxi things are gone by now, but this is not making motivated for tomorrow.

I’m gonna watch a movie and see what happens.

 

Trying to be proud of myself

This is a short post, guys. The title is big, but I just need a few words to say what I want to say. I need a break of making posts in here and reading mental health stuff in general. It’s obvious I’m picking this as an obsession, reassurance I think is called. And to be honest I want to stop being that person who screams “look look I have this thing look at me”, I want to give you some tips and real coping mechanisms, something that will help people. I know talking about your pain and experience help people too. But that’s just step number 0.5, knowing you are not alone. Finding community. That’s cool. I needed it too. But now, I need to come back to my interests, my old hobbies, don’t take me wrong, I still love psychology, but… c’mon how much abnormal psychology stuff do I really need to read?

So, I hope you get excited next time when I post something, who knows? Maybe I’ll comeback with something really worthy.