Songs about loneliness that can really speak to my soul

I’m gonna apologize in advance for not being able to pick just a few lines and give you a cute summary about why I can related so much with this lyrics. I suck at picking okay? I can’t. Besides that… If any of you who are reading this have a song who express your feelings in such a perfect way you could have written it yourself, please, tell me the name and your reasons. I love that kind of things.

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My first song it’s Try by Jimin Park. Yeah, yeah… my song choices are in korean, but here is the thing… Asians have this melancholic way to put things, it’s just match perfect with my nostalgic soul what can I do? Ask me about animation, series, movies… I’ll give you asians related content in a second, I love the way they see life, as this crazy but peaceful and beautiful way of existence.

What other people say
I can’t relate, it’s not alright
I need to have more strength. Other people say
Why do you feel and think that way?
It’s not like me

This is how the song starts, a person who basically doesn’t fit in, someone who maybe think out of the box. This makes me remember one time I was with some people from my university and one of my “”friends”” said to me: You know… I never know how you’re going to react, you don’t react like other people. It wasn’t particulary bad (well it was for my brain at that moment) but it stayed with me.

A story that I only I know
I’ll quietly place it in my heart
And walk alone
Should I ask the sky?
Or should I ignore it and pretend I’m fine?
Should I pretend to be calm?  Yeah

This beautiful part, I just feel myself when I read it. I don’t scream, simple as that.

Okay dokey. Second song. Whalien 52 by BTS. This song have such a beautiful rap, it talks about loneliness, being desperate and yet no losing hope. I’m not suprised tho, because one of the writers is Suga aka Agust D, and he’s one of the few idols who is open about his mental illness issues, you should totally check So Far Away and The Last by him, BUT trigger warning: It have a lot of mental illness content, heavy stuff, very sad but so brave.

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Agust D here, chilling, killing it 😉

In the middle of the vast ocean
One whale speaks softly and lonelily
The fact that no matter how much they shout, it won’t reach
Makes them so gravely lonely that they quietly shut their mouths
Now, well, I don’t care
When only the thing called
Loneliness remained by my side

This begining, oh lord, the story about a whale who is lonely, and even if it tries to call for help nobody can heard it. But then, the only truth that remains is that the wale is you.

he world will never know how sad I am
My pain is water and oil that can’t mix
So only above the surface of the water do I
Breathe, and the interest towards me ends
A child in the lonely ocean. I want to make it known too
My value, everyday
I become sick with worry, the sticker always beneath my ear
Never end, why isn’t there an end; every time it’s hell
Even if time goes by, in the cold abyss.

Do I have to even explain why did I somehow wrote this? This speaks about what social anxiety does to you, the fear, the constant pain who stick with you no matter where you go, this feeling that you can’t totally connect with others. Poor whale.

Even if my breaths are blocked
Because I’m confined in that wall
I head towards the surface of water above. | Singing alone like this
Even me, who’s like a lonely island
Can I shine on the outside

But this is the part I like the most, this lonely whale doesn’t give up, it still wonders if it can go to the surface for air, survive, and somehow success. I think a lot of us feel this way, even tho we’re going through a lot pain, we still wonder… will I be able to be happy someday?

When someone says your fears out loud

When I go to therapy on saturdays every two weeks I’ve the same thinking process ‘I’m gonna be honest, I’m gonna talk about what happened’, so I do it. I talk about my fears, the shit that’s going on in my life, I open myself to my psychiatrist’s ears exactly like a stripper does for money. But you see… when she confirms what I just said and answer my questions, the ones I asked with the best intentions for my own well being ‘how i fix this? why is causing that?’ she throw the fear out of my comfy box by simply saying ‘well… I think this is the reason you’re having anxiety’. My fear looks me in the eye but now from the other side of the wall, brightly, clearly, there it is that thing I’m scared I think I going to pass out. I see it throught the narrow hole inside my box, is no anymore just a thought in my mind, cover with my box shadows, I say hello. It says hi back. Now it’s real, now I’m more scared.

Today my psychiatrist told me something probably a lot professional will disagree: ‘Some fears it’s better leave it alone, there’s are some we can work on, of course, but it’s not wise to say we can do it with all, and definitely no heathly’. I had never think someone from the mental health field will say me that. She also said ‘You have to pick the path in your life that cause you less anxiety’. I’m glad she told me that, because I’m always wondering if I’m a weak chicken who just don’t want to live enough.

I’m a person who have anxiety, not the other way around

I have to remind this to myself everyday, to not forget, this feelings that follows me everywhere I go it’s not everything I am.

I’m here today to talk about my story dealing with OCD, GAD and social anxiety, or at most what I can recall. Bad short memory, ya know… Anxi problems. Hope you find something here that make you feel less alone. I’m not a role model, nor I have known recovery yet but I’m trying and I think that’s important too.

This story start in a very normal way, for me, things just got worst when I got older, at the beggining were just small things but when time passed I met hell, went in and out, I still do.

Since I was a kid I always felt different, I had just one friend, she was my best friend at the moment, I was about 5 years old, we were pretty close so we spent together a lot of time. She was a child with a lot character while I was quiet and introverted, she was not violent tho, but you had not mess with her because she would have kicked your ass if you would have gave her a reason, so nobody never messed with me for association, that’s kind of how it rolled.

But I was kid, I didn’t know being the way I am was something people would no see it as the ideal model. Then I got distant with her, nothing really bad happened, I made a new friend, other girl, same thing… she is a sagittarious, very protective friend, nobody messed with me… you can see the pattern right? We sticked together until I have 14 years old, we had a group of friends tho but I was more closer to her than the other girls, with time I got closer with the other three of them, my social anxiety was low to the point I didn’t perceive it so I wasn’t really struggling but I don’t know exactly to this day the reason why I feel so lonely and misunderstood, I had a bunch of friends at that time, in different grades even, I had other best friend who lived in the lower apartment, I hung out with all of this girls and I was quite happy, but I felt lonely and I didn’t fit in entirely, my friends were living love for the first time, they wanted to be girly and go to parties, shit like that I never wanted to do, no even now. Very cliché to be honest lmao, but what to do? It is what it is.

My self esteem as you may understand wasn’t too high, I wasn’t comfortable with myself but I wasn’t aware that was the feeling I was feeling.

This is the real shit about my life, still and back then.

My dad is a very close minded person, racist, homophobic, that sort of stuff, he isn’t a bad person tho, but I’ve always been this persona who isn’t agree any type of hatred and gets really overwhelmed, mad, anxious and sad when someone who I care says, for example, racist comments; when I was younger I didn’t understand racism but I grew up inside of that culture so I learnt to be that way, then when I was hitting 14 years old and my best friend changed schools I started to learn a lot about social issues thanks to the internet and showing my early OCD symptons, I was getting obsessions in order to cope with my lost, so I avoided certain things obsessing over tv shows and anime, and my tricotilomania got worse, I was meeting my coping mechanism of today basically.

My psychiatrist once told me “An anxious kid is made when they have a controlling parent or a messy one”

My dad is the controlling one, he always wants me to do what he want in the way that he wants.

My mother… oh lord, my mother.

She is the main reason I developed GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), this is not her fault but it kind of it is at the same time, I know that doesn’t make any sense but understanding she suffers from bipolar disorder it does isn’t? Her mood swings weren’t as obvious when I was a child but her mania hell it was, she used to hit me way too hard when I did something wrong, sometimes she did it when I was doing just kid things, like playing with her make up or jumping over the bed. Of course she have her other side, when she becomes a wonderful mother but the bad side, jeez, she fucked me up. She still does.

Well… Nonetheless I managed to make new friends, I even had a new group to hung out, these people were amazing, they were nerdy as me, had a sarcastic sense of humour, were open about sexuality and made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I was finding myself. Slowly I builded a self esteem and I accepted myself as a beautiful person at least on the outside. I was 15 years old. That summer is the best summer of my life until now.

Then I changed schools. I passed from an only girls school to a mixed one, I was put in a classroom full of people who knew each other for years, luckily with a few other who were new too but with low probabilities to enter to their tight group. That year my dad found out my best friend was bisexual, she was the person I’ve ever connected the most besides my cousin, and she forced me to stop being friends with her. My life was destroy, you know… for me to feel a connection with another human being is the most hard shit ever, I feel distant from people 99% of the time. On top of that, my group from my old school abandoned me, and I builded a wall between me and the world.

Social anxiety when from 2% to be 100%, it took over my life.

I was scared everyday, when I was getting ready to go to school, when I was getting in the car to go there, while entering in the building, walking through the hall, saying hello to the couple of people I knew. Homework. Talking. Being. Breathing was horrible. I made rituals, wearing a sweather to protect myself, avoiding going outside of my classroom in break time, always being at the entry by the time when people were allow to get inside, no a minute more, no a minute less, something bad will happen if I was there in the wrong time.

I met my actual best friends in there. They were new too and they were being rejected for our classmates as well, yes, they bullied us but it was a silent bullying, they laughed behind our backs and didn’t allow us to be part of their environment, basically they isolated us. I wasn’t as affect by it to be honest, no yet.  One of my best friends, she suffers from GAD too, so we got closer and closer, made inside jokes and found a safe place to talk about our issues. Sexuality, mental health, experiences, etc. But, I got worse. One day we went to our PE class and I had an accident, I was sweating like crazy and I don’t know why but my smell, damn, it wasn’t the best… if you know what I mean. That day my classmates started to make jokes and embarresed me, made me feel so anxious and bad I had a panick attack. Something inside just broke.

Olfactory Reference Syndrome (ORS), also known as Autodysomophobia and Bromosis, is characterized by excessive, irrational fear that one is emitting a foul or unpleasant odor. The obsession may be an exaggerated, disproportionate concern with a natural body smell, or mayinvolve an entirely imagined odor. ORS goes beyond normal concern with one’s hygiene, and may significantly impair academic and professional functioning, as well as interpersonal relationships. In extreme cases, individuals with Olfactory Reference Syndrome may quit work and avoid social situations in an effort to avert the embarrassment they imagine they will experience when others detect the alleged odor. As demonstrated above, Olfactory Reference Syndrome has obsessive-compulsive features that are quite similar to both OCD and BDD. In fact, ORS is considered by many to be a sub-type of OCD or BDD.

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My OCD was yelling. Literally, read the above. I developed ORS and had it for about 2 years, I created more rituals in order to feel better. Bath myself 2 times per day, I used every deodorant brand out there without any success, I was having auditory hallucinations, literally I believed I could hear people’s thoughts in my head, like I had super powers or something. Always paranoid that people were talking about how I smelled. I was disgust by physical contact and I kind of still am today, but no for the same reasons anyway, I even tried a clinical deodorant that I supossed to use just one time per week, but I used it everyday until it burned me. It was that bad.

My GAD got worse too, I couldn’t sleep well, my appetite wasn’t regular and I cried almost every night, screaming for help, trying to make my parents see how much I was hurting, but they ignore me of course, they are ignorant like that. It wasn’t until I was really physically hurting myself for the clinical deodorant and like having regular panick attacks they didn’t took me to a psychologist.

So, I got an appointment, just went once to be told it wasn’t that bad, I just needed to stop thinking that way and magically it will stop and I’ll see the treasure at the end of the rainbow. Fuck that bitch, I’ll hate her forever. Sorry for my bad language but… jeez if you got a degree it must be for a reason or not? I told her I was paranoid, I told her I was drowning inside my brain, how much clear do you want it to be? I kept my rituals and my brave 17 years old self managed to finish high school, I don’t know how I did it to be honest, she, I, was brave, I’m not embarrased to say it, actually I’m proud I made it. When school was over my ORS slowly disappeared.


I was accepted in University after that, I picked civil engineering as my career choice. I don’t know how I’m still alive. The first day I had a panick attack, I was desparate for a way out and I felt suicidal at that time, the presure you are put in this type of career is insane, adding I was in a new environment and I didn’t know anyone, again, it was horribe. Fuck, I don’t know how I do what I do but I do it okay? It just happens, I met people, I kinda like them, I kinda hate them. I had a group but I was a mess, a zombie, I stared to dissociated a lot, a ghost walking through the University Hall. I failed almost all my courses that semester. By the end of it or I killed myself or changed my degree field. I did the last one. But I was so bad, so close to my edge my parents realized I needed help, real help. So my best friend gave me the name of her psychologist and I started to do therapy. It help me a little, it relaxed my soul a bit and the presure from my new career wasn’t as bad as before. So I made it again. Met more people, make more friends, nerdy ones, good ones… people who I am friends ’til today, but you know… I don’t know if anything that happened me before this fucked me up or something, but I have trust issues and I always feel like I do socialization wrong, I never hang out with this people outside of the University and I can’t, I can’t, really I can’t, no matter how much I try, my anxiety is too much to bare.


Telephone phobia (telephonophobia, telephobia, phone phobia) is reluctance or fear of making or taking phone calls, literally, “fear of telephones”.

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For me to keep in touch with people is really hard, I have severe phone phobia, that includes messages, texting and phone calls. I haven’t turn on my phone in 2 months. It’s quite uncommon, since usually for people with social anxiety phone calls are the end of the phobia itself but for me it goes beyond.


I stopped to see her because she left the country, at first she tried to set me up with another psychologist but I was hurt and she wasn’t really prepare for someone with my disorder, so the help that she provided wasn’t really enough. I was disappoined and angry.

Next semester my “friends” started to notice I was kinda different, didn’t react as other people with so many things, social topics, physical contact, the way I see the world, my lack of interest in human prolonged interactions and romantic relationships. Because you see… I don’t care about sex, alcohol, party or any of what caracterize people in our age, so they always were and still are asking why I don’t hang out with them outside Uni, and I’m too tired at this point to make good excuses so I just deal with it. But it makes me suffer lowkey because I wish I wasn’t so difficult to be around.


Other accident happened no that long ago, I tried to have a ‘boyfriend’, as humans we all try to fit in our societies, big mistake, stupid decision. I didn’t really like in that way the guy involved. I know now I have to accept who I am and the fact that no everybody is gonna like it, but at that moment, oh lord, I had a really bad panick attack which had echos for the three following weeks. Really bad shit. I contacted myself out of despair a psychiatrist from a clinic I knew. Made an emergency appoinment, when she listened all my story, what happened, how I was feeling she put me in medication and to be honest she saved my life because I was getting suicidal again and I was really considering to do something about it. She put me in antidepressants and anxiolytics, which I’m still taking, usually for OCD treatments with medication are long.

I explained the guy what was happening to me, he’s a good guy you know… he wasn’t mad at me, I’m thankful for that.

Fast foward to August 2016 I traveled to see my sister, she live in Europe, and when I came back I got really depressed, well I’m depressed and my OCD is pushing me to isolation and agoraphobia. If you want to know more about this read my previous post.

So I’m in middle of my fears right now, I don’t know how to deal with my reality and even tho I’m trying to get better it’s hard for me to not avoid situations. Life is going too fast, and my mom illness plus my country situations just make me want to stay in home and avoid going outside. I’m hoping after this new semester I can move to Europe and find a way to work there. Because it’s funny but when I’m living out of Venezuela, things doesn’t get so under my skin, I feel more functional and my anxiety is less debilitating, that’s the hope I’m holding for now.

I know this is no the heroic end you were expecting, but I’m still fighting and I know is not gonna be easy, so my advice for you is keep trying, don’t give up. Life happens yes, but we can choose what to do about it. Right now I’m not the best me, but I won’t give up, I’ll find a way, I’ll hold to my goals and try to do what is best for me.

Stay safe. Always take care of yourselves. Don’t think you have to do something or be something for anyone else but yourself. Do what makes you happy. And let’s helps each other to stop remind us ‘we feel bad’, let’s change it for ‘we haven’t finish yet’.

For the one who likes kpop like me, here you have a song about mental health from a beautiful person who was brave enough to talk about a topic, in a country, where is still tabu: song. And I highly recommend to watch this movie: here

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Environment matters when you live with a mental illness

You don’t know this… or at least, I don’t remember if I wrote it on my description before, maybe is there, but I’m feeling too lazy to go back and check. I’m a 19 years old girl from latinamerica who loves kpop, is 90% introverted INFP and gets way too excited over fictional characters. Yes, yes, yes. That’s why my english sucks at times, and it seems like I repeat the same phrases over and over, blame the fact this is my second language and I literally exposed myself to it reading spooky stories or watching Youtube videos, there’s where my vocabulary comes from. But I’m kinda proud I can write my feelings in two idiomas, I always find english better tho, it is full of melancholic words, words I don’t have in my mother tongue, even medical terms are better in english!

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do you see how easy it is?

Words, my friend, are important to express how you’re feeling, how you see the world and how you roll with it.

 

BUT…

Back to the title of this post, I live in a country where the quality life is the one from a country that is on a fucking war, people here have to do lines in order to get food, people get kill on the streets for no reason, this society is fuck-up in a laziness and conformism circle. I guess from that little information you can have an idea of what country I’m talking about. And hell no, is not Cuba, don’t you dare.

My anxiety levels here are motherfucking crazy higher in comparation when I visit my sister, she lives in Europe by the way (which I did visit her like 2 weeks and a couple of days ago). I find this distressing, stupid, it makes me angry and lonely. I isolated myself, I don’t want to go outside of my house, and besides I can be a little paranoic no matter where I am, here… just… I… fuck. CbMBWHxW8AA6_DG

I see enemies everywhere. I feel like I can’t trust people. Like they are selfish, ignorant and dishonest.

My psychiatrist told me it was not only me who felt this way. But you know… this is funny, a lot people who come from a bad neighborhood might understand what I’m saying here… but if you live like my sister does, in the outsides of the city, beautiful apartment, three cats and a lot fun things to do whithout needing that much money, you probably don’t even care what I’m saying.

Here goes one of my favorite tips for people suffering from anxiety: Take a walk until you calm. Take a what?!? I can’t take a fucking walk here without feeling like someone looks suspicious, I’ll come back home more anxious than when I was before, are you insane? And yes it have to do in certain degree with my OCD, but believe me, when you are in Europe and you take a walk, for Picasso you’re gonna chill and feel happy just seeing the beautiful buildings and art and food a- *this is me screaming*. And the fact people are polite but they stay in their business, that nobody gives two fucks about how you look.

Are you dressing like Kyle Jenner, damn, good for you, tumblr_mtl1s1DwvI1qka6nwo4_r1_250wearing a t-shirt sport pants no makeup… who cares? At least you live in Paris or Prada nobody give a damn. Are you stressed out? Do you have 15 in cash… nah 8, I bet there’s a hipster art gallery out there waiting for you. For jesus el señor, people in Amsterdam are the cutest people, they give insurance to the sex workers! I’m not saying you or I can’t have anxiety in that kind of places, I had bad days there as well… but I took a walk and it actually worked.

Family. The people who you live with. That’s important too. I shouldn’t have to say this but if you live with toxic people your mental health can get worser and worser. Peace, normality, sense of reality, that’s key for recovery… You can’t have sense of reality when you are so full of a distressing environment. Your mind just goes away. It’s quite simple.

I won’t blame anybody for getting angry or dissociating as fuck for the situation they’re in, this experience made me see when we go through this type of things, we can’t blame ourselves to not wanting to be here.

Isolation [youtube script, very raw, still working on it]

My god. Isolation… respiro When we talk about isolation the first image that might pop in your mind is quarentine status, a prisioner who acted violent and is been punished or someone who is to dangerous to the public that needs to be put apart. But for mental ill people can be something very common and who a lot of us has gone through. So let’s just ramble a little about how isolation works, my theories about why humans can feel the need to isolate themselves and the healthy and unhealthy parts from it.

We see characters isolate themselves in tv all the time, so today we’re gonna follow their examples to understand better what isolation is like, and as in fantasy, in real world isolation can happen in different ways.

Let’s take the example of a peculiar, sarcastic and with good probabilities of suffering a personality disorder character first. Dr. House. A lot of us have seem this show at least once in our life, and almost in every episode House tries to push people around him away. He isolated himself hurting people, using his sharp tongue and violent impulsive actions to create a dangerous appearance  reasons why? Can be many. We can’t be sure is the chronic pain he’s always in or the struggles he experience inside of his brain. But we can be sure about something: he wants to separe himself from the world.

Recently I got obsessed over a show called The Magicians. The protagonist, Quentin, deals with a complicated feeling it can be associated with isolation . Loneliness. He doesn’t identify with any group and he doesn’t fit particular in none either, at the start of the series we can see he’s severely depressed and he prefers to be left alone in his internal world. He doesn’t hurt anyone, he just distant himself from his peers.

Other character that comes to my mind is Snape. Believe it or not, this loved character probably went through the path of isolation. As a teen he was rejected by his own peers, creating the perfect breeding ground for set himself apart. Smart and brilliant, misunderstood and different.

Note: I’m working in a little project, and I don’t know since I haven’t be here for many reasons (I probably going to talk about all of it later) but I felt like posting something. So… yeah. Gotta feel like shit you know.

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