Versatile Blogger Award… how?

versatile

Is been a while since a posted and I know this beautiful lady JustAnIndianGirl nominated me like years ago, but this past weeks have been like a roller coaster, up and down like you don’t imagine. But let’s not focus on that, because this is my first award I ever won on this blog and looks like I have other one somewhere waiting for me. I’ll post about it very soon.

I’m not sure if the title fits me well, do you guys think I’m versatile? That’s a major compliment and I can’t really express how awesome that is!

Here are the rules for this award:

  • Share the award in your blog!
  • Have fun.
  • Feel proud to be a versatile and awesome.
  • Share 7 or more ramrod facts about you

Here we go:

  1. I’m a Capricorn and I believe deeply in signs and spiritual things.
  2. I’ve a dog, his 11 years old and is a poodle, his name is Angel but Angel in spanish, is nothing like Eeeengel Aingel, ÀNgel that’s how it sounds.
  3. I’m latina but sure I look white as fuck.
  4. People call me for my second name, but I always struggle to explain this to teachers since they call you for the name that figures in the students list.
  5. I love to eat coffee and cookies and mix them together to make like a delicious kind of pudding, is heaven.
  6. I believe in aliens and even tho I love science and facts, I’m trash for Anciest Aliens History Channel Show.
  7. I’m asexual, which means I don’t experience sexual attraction towards other people.

And that’s  it, I hope you enjoy it.

Now I’ll nominate the blogs I read all the time, that made me laugh and have fun:

thewishingwell: Amazing blogger, positive, her writing inspires you to look inside yourself and feel like there’s some light. I recommend this blog 100%, you’ll find a good laugh and actually good advices about how deal with this life, that we should call fight, since we’re always fighting on this earth.

mentaltruths: I know this girl for quite a while now and to be honest I always get excited when I see she posted something new. You’ll crack yourself reading her work, she’s raw and interesting, but overall she’s real. I’m really glad we met and we have the chance to shares thoughts and experiences.

recoverytowellness: A warrior princess, a passionate activist and… she have ocd? And I say this as a compliment because she had make me realize so many times I’m not ready to give up, that there are things I still want to do. Thank you for that Raquel.

toopolar: This blog is a venting space for someone I know is struggling, besides that I don’t find this a reason to not put him in this lists. We, the people who have hard times to stand up again, deserves to express ourselves in any way possible and with that, make others feel less alone.

 

 

A good week vs. a bad day, the anxiety version

I know, guys, I know… I said I’ll write when I have something positive to say but right now, in this very moment all I need is to vent. I need to say my demons names and call them out for what they are. You. Assholes. Get out of my temple for the holy power of god. I’m not kidding in any way, I want to let that clear. Today was one of those days that life is fine, you know? Morning didn’t come with a long dose of anxiety, you got dressed, made your homework, read your emails… everything is good, so you go by with life like the naive little punk you are, and then… something little or big happen and everything goes to hell.

I had math at the first hour, but before that I had to go to a class group at around 12:00m, apparently my teacher likes the concept of study groups, team work, help buddies and all that jazz, and not having enough with that, he gave it a percentage of the course’s grades, so I have to do it, like it or not. There’s five of us in that study group, but for my bad luck or good I don’t even know, we were just two studying for today’s assignment, and I’m not getting a star for “good at leading conversations” if you know what I mean, and apparently this girl knew everything but what I can do talk about. I can’t complain tho because she helped me with my homework, and besides I hate team work she explained me some things that I didn’t understand, -AND guys, listen, you gotta get help with that math hell, never ever ever say no if the life is offering you help with mathematics.

That was that.

I took my math class and all was good, this teacher is crazy but he knows how to teach, I have to give him that. Later, I went to Statistics, I know three people in there I spent the class with… I had say this before but as you know I love to repeat myself, I’m the introvert-ongoing-doesn’t know how to keep relationships-with hella social anxiety-good sense of humor-who can make people laugh-but it’s sure everyone hates me-tends to isolates herself… that’s me. I’m worst that Nostradamus predictions, with all that going on at the same time.

Statistics was good, I understood the class and I felt fine in there, actually I thought I had enough energy to go and “say hi” to my “friends” in University, you know what those “” mean right?

So, I met a friend in campus and we talked a little, then… the bad shit started to happen, people I didn’t know joined us and started talking and shit, later more people came, people I knew even but I was anxious already so I barely was keeping the “I’m dealing fine” face. I was controlling the situation tho, I forced myself to stay, I wanted to talk and spend time with people after all. But what really made me upset was a friend of mine, who is also the guy I kinda rejected last semester, I think I wrote about him here before, he said jokingly “I bet she lowkey hates us and everytime she sees us she fakes she likes us”, in my head right now he can go to suck dick, but in that moment I felt really bad because as a social anxious person that’s the impression we really hate the most to give people. That’s bullshit. I don’t know where all that shit came from. And damn, on paper looks more horrible than it was. I don’t know if I’m too sensitive. Forget that, I am, it’s obvious. I know one thing, my “”””friends””” are mostly boys, I don’t know the motive of this to be complete honest, but they are, and they treat themselves with this harsh sense of humor, but to be the subject of their jokes is completely different.

And on top of that, I went to the subway with one of this guyfriends, and oh no, guess what? He wasn’t leading the conversation either, instead of that he let the talk to me, TO ME, HOW FUCKING DARE HIM?, and I was worry half of the time for “am I doing too much eye contact?” and the other half “is this joke even funny?”, I made him laugh twice… but I still feel like I fail, I can’t handle socialization. And I was there like 1 hour… help me god.

When I got to my station I felt like crying, I was so fed up. My energy was -5%. My anxiety was “gimme that ativan bitch”%.

Thank god the body anxi things are gone by now, but this is not making motivated for tomorrow.

I’m gonna watch a movie and see what happens.

 

Trying to be proud of myself

This is a short post, guys. The title is big, but I just need a few words to say what I want to say. I need a break of making posts in here and reading mental health stuff in general. It’s obvious I’m picking this as an obsession, reassurance I think is called. And to be honest I want to stop being that person who screams “look look I have this thing look at me”, I want to give you some tips and real coping mechanisms, something that will help people. I know talking about your pain and experience help people too. But that’s just step number 0.5, knowing you are not alone. Finding community. That’s cool. I needed it too. But now, I need to come back to my interests, my old hobbies, don’t take me wrong, I still love psychology, but… c’mon how much abnormal psychology stuff do I really need to read?

So, I hope you get excited next time when I post something, who knows? Maybe I’ll comeback with something really worthy.

Someone who finally can fucking give an advice

I found this youtuber called bignoknow, and thank god I did, this is the dude I was looking for. He’s damn positive without sounding like a stupid magical fairy who have the key to cure OCD, make you look like Angelina Jolie and also plant money tree, without forgetting of course making you feel like you’re doing everything wrong. You know this youtubers that speak about their recovery like “awww guys you can do this too, just hear the happy theme song I picked for this video”, nah… let me say no, sir, I want to be realistic. And think whatever you want, I’m probably agree I’m maybe the one with the problem. But who cares? Back to the guy I was talking about, this dude is awesome, he speaks with such an honestly about his issues without sounding like a danish movie, depressing and grey, you don’t feel bad for him because he makes sure to let you know he’s working on it. For god’s sake, how excited I am for finally found a person who goes through the same as I do and actually don’t use the “How I Cope With Anxiety” as clickbait, he gave very good advices on how he copes with his anxiety. And yo… I found amazing people here on wordpress, don’t take me wrong, but I’m a visual person so this is wonderful.

 

Social anxiety things

Tomorrow I start Uni again so my social anxiety is kicking in with troublesome thoughts I can hardly control. I’m pretty sure I’m obsessing over some of them, but I’m working on let the anxiety kick in and settle instead of fighting against it, which just makes me twice exhausted.

I have to be honest with you guys, I’ve been avoiding talking with my university “friends”, is you read my posts frequently you noticed by now I always use “” to refers this friends, and as I said before, the reason why I do this is because I’ve trouble believing they are really my friends, no because they aren’t, because I suck at trusting people in general. Also there’s the fact they don’t know I’m mentally ill so they trigger my anxiety by asking “why can you stay another mother fucker hour in campus?” every time I want to leave home to take a nap.

I thought it can help someone out there struggling with social anxiety to read my daily struggles to feel less alone. More the one time it I saved my sanity when reading someone else feels the same way I do. “So… I’m not going mental… good to know, good to know.”

Yesterday (more like today because it was at 3:00 a.m) before going to sleep I had an anxiety attack, I sat down and tried to think what was bothering me, because I wanted to know if I can give some perspective to my own thinking. Believe or not, anxiety can kick in without you, consciously, understanding the thoughts, you have them they are there somewhere in the void, but you don’t know they are… I wanted to understand. First thing that came to my mind, flashbacks when I was alone waiting for class to start, for some reason this is gasoline for my social anxiety, maybe is the fact I have this sensation other people know I’m by myself in this class so I’m afraid of what they might think. Second place goes to this cycling I fall for when I’m under too much stress: Avoiding responsibilities. I have this problem, when I can’t deal with my anxiety + stress from university work I avoid it, I just open my computer and hours pass until my work is all pilled up in front of my eyes and I can’t do anything about it.

I afraid of my friends asking me why I didn’t answer their text, even tho I had already think the perfect lie for this, I know it makes me look bad me… here… saying I’m gonna lie to them, but I will because I need to protect myself. Even tho, I want to work out in some goals:

  1. Trying to spend more time with them in Uni.
  2. At least hang out with them one time outside of Uni.
  3. Post a instagram picture one time every 15 days (psychiatrist homework ugh)
  4. Schedule my time in order to study better.
  5. Pass all my courses.
  6. And as my new tumblr title says: I’m gonna let that positivity come inside. I’m not a positive person, actually, god knows I love that negative vibe… always thinking about the worse scenario. But I’m gonna try to reach out more positive content, maybe like that… some of it will stick with me.

So there you have it, my friends, this is a human being honest with you, I’m not perfect but I want to be better, I’ll get there slowly, I’m not saying this year and the next I’m gonna change 360º but I want to achieve at least three of this goals. I’m a little bit tired of doing the same things over and over, and I’m sure it’s gonna hurt as hell… you’ll be witnesses of my journey, I’m gonna try to fight, there’s no more options.