Hello, pals, it’s been a while how are you? Did you eat something yummy this Christmas? I’ve been doing a bunch of things this past weeks maybe? I don’t remember when was the last time I wrote an entry on here. University… finals, I had to do a service for my university, an experience I’ll, maybe, write something about if I find the right words to express what I learnt from it, but today I want to talk about an old trigger or fear, whatever you want to call it, I have since 2014, jesus… 2 years, that sounds like a lot time isn’t it? This 22th I went to a trip to the mountains with some friends of mine, we drank hot chocolate, did hiking, and had a long battle against apple tv, mind you this was my first time using one of those, I’m more a tv cable girl, I felt really happy, surrounded by nature and the cold weather, also this friends are good people… plus my best friend was with me, we had a great time going crazy over the stars and using her apple app that allow you see the names of the stars guided by gps, sounds cool right? It’s amazing!
My best friend studies in another state, but since my country is small so called state is only one hour away from where I live, she leave to her university every sunday and come backs fridays home, we usually see each other saturdays, is our routine… something that makes me love our dynamic even more, we are really organized creatures, anxiously organized to be honest, and we understand that from each other. We both understand anxiety.
But she doesn’t worry to the level I worry, and I guess she doesn’t have this tendency to developed compulsions either, I won’t wish that for her either… gosh no, to anyone actually. But it’s hard for me sometimes to listen how easy is for her to maintain her friendships with other people. I have to say she have more luck in that department than I do, she’s studying a yearly career so the people she met from first day is the same people she’s probably gonna see the rest of her career, at least one of them will be there. I, in the other hand, study in semesters, that means is less likely I see the same people over and over. My “friends” in university are from different careers and semesters, I only see them when I finish my classes or between breaks, so I struggle to catch them in right times to at least say hi. I have a severe phobia to texting, I get so anxious sometimes when I try to text people, specially people I know, I feel like I’m going to pass out, believe me, if I have experience in something it is anxiety and when a phobia doesn’t just make you feel sick or have panic attacks, if not make you instead feel like you are going to black the fuck out you know the shit is getting real.
I can’t even sms them to ask them if they are around campus. Thank god the campus area is hella small so I bump into them enough times so they don’t forget me. Have I mention before I have really little trust in people and I have a hard time believing they are my friend or care about me? Without mention my social anxiety. Well… it’s a good time to repeat it. This phobia is so awful that if it wasn’t for my best friend I won’t go out of my house. Recently other close friend, he is also friends of my best friend, he’s acting like an asshole since he have new friendships and he feels so sure about himself nowadays that he acts like a jerk with us, even my parents and my best friend’s parents had said he has change, anyways… he ended coming to the trip I talked before, don’t take me wrong he’s a cool guy, he’s quite difficult to talk to tho, not just because I have anxiety, I’m obviously hurt and his judgmental commentaries about other people makes me want to shut him up with a little kick in the face.
We spent there just one night, but it was a nice break from the daily craziness inside my head, and was so pleasant to learn the original owner of the house is a Buddhist, how cool, I really want to come back some day and eat all the books she have in that beautiful wood house.
As always, I had a lot anxiety afterwards, happy experience… syndrome of “I’m so worry I won’t be happy never again” after. What is life? (I make this question way too much. WAY. TOO. MUCH).
I’ve been overthinking about wanting to go out with my university friends in January but I’m so scared. I don’t think I’m capable of doing that, I mean to text them and ask. I haven’t go out with them even once since I know them. Also I have to study calculus or I’m gonna repeat, again, that motherfucking course. In top of that I’m worry about this short periods, no even periods, is like a few hours every now and then when I feel really happy, out of nowhere, and I don’t care about no one, I feel so energetic and ready to take life and dance all night long, the fact that when I take psychological tests I score high for borderline personality disorder, and even if I know it doesn’t mean shit because online tests are mostly bullshit, I can’t stop the worrying bell. I don’t fit the criteria, but OCD have symptoms in common so I fit some of it anyway.
My QPR and I in the other hand we’re extra nice, I’m so happy she isn’t depressed anymore. Her love makes me at peace. Even tho we can’t hug each other, talking to her it’s enough to me. Ironically we talk through text. But it’s understandable I’m really comfortable with her. That’s something positive to say.
Also, I stared to working in the hare krishna temple in the second week of december, I enjoy that, it’s office work but I feel useful and I don’t have to stay home all day, if I’m busy I don’t overthink, and devotes are really interesting and kind people.
I’m happy to say I’m getting better at life. Lately, life is kicking my ass again, but yes… I’m better. It’s just awful to feel you’re getting better in some things but in others you haven’t move a centimeter. Maybe is the fucking mercury in retrograde who is shitting my capricorn ass.