Someone who finally can fucking give an advice

I found this youtuber called bignoknow, and thank god I did, this is the dude I was looking for. He’s damn positive without sounding like a stupid magical fairy who have the key to cure OCD, make you look like Angelina Jolie and also plant money tree, without forgetting of course making you feel like you’re doing everything wrong. You know this youtubers that speak about their recovery like “awww guys you can do this too, just hear the happy theme song I picked for this video”, nah… let me say no, sir, I want to be realistic. And think whatever you want, I’m probably agree I’m maybe the one with the problem. But who cares? Back to the guy I was talking about, this dude is awesome, he speaks with such an honestly about his issues without sounding like a danish movie, depressing and grey, you don’t feel bad for him because he makes sure to let you know he’s working on it. For god’s sake, how excited I am for finally found a person who goes through the same as I do and actually don’t use the “How I Cope With Anxiety” as clickbait, he gave very good advices on how he copes with his anxiety. And yo… I found amazing people here on wordpress, don’t take me wrong, but I’m a visual person so this is wonderful.

 

Social anxiety things

Tomorrow I start Uni again so my social anxiety is kicking in with troublesome thoughts I can hardly control. I’m pretty sure I’m obsessing over some of them, but I’m working on let the anxiety kick in and settle instead of fighting against it, which just makes me twice exhausted.

I have to be honest with you guys, I’ve been avoiding talking with my university “friends”, is you read my posts frequently you noticed by now I always use “” to refers this friends, and as I said before, the reason why I do this is because I’ve trouble believing they are really my friends, no because they aren’t, because I suck at trusting people in general. Also there’s the fact they don’t know I’m mentally ill so they trigger my anxiety by asking “why can you stay another mother fucker hour in campus?” every time I want to leave home to take a nap.

I thought it can help someone out there struggling with social anxiety to read my daily struggles to feel less alone. More the one time it I saved my sanity when reading someone else feels the same way I do. “So… I’m not going mental… good to know, good to know.”

Yesterday (more like today because it was at 3:00 a.m) before going to sleep I had an anxiety attack, I sat down and tried to think what was bothering me, because I wanted to know if I can give some perspective to my own thinking. Believe or not, anxiety can kick in without you, consciously, understanding the thoughts, you have them they are there somewhere in the void, but you don’t know they are… I wanted to understand. First thing that came to my mind, flashbacks when I was alone waiting for class to start, for some reason this is gasoline for my social anxiety, maybe is the fact I have this sensation other people know I’m by myself in this class so I’m afraid of what they might think. Second place goes to this cycling I fall for when I’m under too much stress: Avoiding responsibilities. I have this problem, when I can’t deal with my anxiety + stress from university work I avoid it, I just open my computer and hours pass until my work is all pilled up in front of my eyes and I can’t do anything about it.

I afraid of my friends asking me why I didn’t answer their text, even tho I had already think the perfect lie for this, I know it makes me look bad me… here… saying I’m gonna lie to them, but I will because I need to protect myself. Even tho, I want to work out in some goals:

  1. Trying to spend more time with them in Uni.
  2. At least hang out with them one time outside of Uni.
  3. Post a instagram picture one time every 15 days (psychiatrist homework ugh)
  4. Schedule my time in order to study better.
  5. Pass all my courses.
  6. And as my new tumblr title says: I’m gonna let that positivity come inside. I’m not a positive person, actually, god knows I love that negative vibe… always thinking about the worse scenario. But I’m gonna try to reach out more positive content, maybe like that… some of it will stick with me.

So there you have it, my friends, this is a human being honest with you, I’m not perfect but I want to be better, I’ll get there slowly, I’m not saying this year and the next I’m gonna change 360º but I want to achieve at least three of this goals. I’m a little bit tired of doing the same things over and over, and I’m sure it’s gonna hurt as hell… you’ll be witnesses of my journey, I’m gonna try to fight, there’s no more options.

Anxiety over social media and texting

This past two days have been quite a rollercoaster. To give you a little inside, one “friend” from University commented on my IG page and almost made me have a panic attack. I’m pretty sure I had a mild one but I can’t swear to it because as soon as it ended I was dissociating my ass off. Somehow, I managed to answer him without losing my sanity tho.

I realized what makes me anxious about messages and social media is the feeling of being available at any moment, like people can reach me whenever they want. I don’t like this. I need to feel in control of my well being and my state of mind, so… when I feel like I can’t control when someone is gonna just press send to talk to me, I feel unsafe and vulnerable. I don’t know how to cope with this, there’s no an actual guide about how to beat social anxiety, no matter how many stupid youtubers make you want to believe so, to be clear, they don’t even try, the spend 30 minutes of your time saying they have the answer without mention a single tip and ending the video with: “if you want to know more you can buy now my 30  days program”. Fuck you, greedy bitches.

There’s of course, exposure therapy but… let’s be real if you’re gonna have a panic attack everyday for an entire week how is that therapeutic? I believe in letting the body tell you when he’s ready to do stuff. The same as when you do yoga, if your body is making weird noises while you are doing that pose… try to do it slowly, go to your own rhythm. So… let’s apply the same to the mind.

I don’t know if this is gonna take me somewhere, but I’m sure you’ll be one of the first to know.

Today, I went with my best friend to the movies, we watched The Secret Life of Pets, I think that is how is called in english. Wahhh what a cute movie. I had a good time. Which means anxiety over good things… breathe deeply But I had a good time so… Let’s focus on that.

Brain. I love you. Brain. You’re a bitch.

-me

 

Donald Trump memes are the cure for anxiety

HILARY LITERALLY CLEANED THE FLOOR WITH HIS ORANGE FACE.

I’m not a fan of Hilary but damn, sir, she went in there with that look in her eyes “you ain’t ready for this sips tea“. Have you ever saw someone so calm while throwing the dirty laundry to a person’s face? Let’s be real, I gotta give her a clap.

But the best part is all this memes flowing around tumblr, they make my life more easy to be honest. My favorite one so far is this one with Hilary looking at the camera like in the office.

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In other news, I tried yesterday to go to sleep at a decent time. Total fail. Reasons why, first, because I feel less anxiety at night time, second, because I got distracted watching youtube videos cofcofas always… what is life? what is will-power? I need to have at least 8 hours of sleep to not feel tired the next day so I had to change my wake-up time, 4 hours wasted. This morning I felt anxious from the moment I opened my eyes, I had to really really kick my butt out of the bed, thank god my mom did food because I wasn’t feeling like cooking. Listen to me, don’t cook when you feel sad, angry or anxious, I don’t know if you believe in this, but… You are what you eat, better be careful. So if you’re going to cook make yourself comfortable and try to calm down first.

I tried this time to prepare my clothes the night before, it does helps, my brain feels like it have something less to think about. I recommend to do this if you are all over the place at mornings, like me.

Later on I decided I wasn’t well enough to take a bus and be out by myself, so I changed my plans to go to get my nails done to dye my hair instead. So I bought the dye kit and went to the hair salon near to my house, that way is more cheaper, gotta help myself out . OH and I bought the cutest nails stickers at the pharmacy, it have bears and cute flowers on the pattern.

I still have a couple things to do, I’ve to do my 10 minutes meditation for the day and maybe watch a german movie. Goodnight guys~

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Relaxing techniques update 2609

As I said in my last post I’m trying new ways to cope with my anxiety and I’ll be updating you guys with my experiences on this techniques.

  1. I tried this past two days an app called headspaceis based in psychological concept know as mindfulness if you want to know more about this check their website they have a cute video explaining it all with music and a dorky animation, but… sadly, it just have a 10 days free trial program which really sucks, I’m not sure if you can unblock after that free activities or you can at least heard again the guided meditation’s program, I’ll let you know when I finish the trial. In my opinion, this is a great app to just sit down and relax meanwhile you hear the wonderful British accent of the guide. It makes you feel aware of your body and hear your thoughts in a safe space instead of rejecting them, at first it give you a little bit of anxiety, for someone like me who avoids to think or let the mind go free by itself because it usually gets too crazy or triggering for my weak stomach, it’s a really good experience.
  2. I want to recommend a Spotify playlist, it’s under the concentration mood’s category, you can find it as chill out brain. It did wonders for me today when I was studying german.
  3. About the smell sticks, it’s still a work in process, I’m trying to make my brain relate the smell sticks with a safe environment. I haven’t talk about this yet, but I’ve a irrational fear with getting inside the shower, no because of getting a shower itself but because I feel something wrong will happen to me while I’m getting the shower, so it’s an anxiety trip everyday when I take a bath. I use smell sticks and calm music to relax myself before going for it, I did the same thing today when I was making breakfast, since I have a lot of anxiety in the morning as well. It did help, the smell makes my chest to get a little lighter, so I’ll keep doing it.

Schedule for tomorrow, working in a coping plan

I read a bunch of articles about the wonders that scheduling your day do to anxiety today, I thought you know… I have nothing to lose let’s give it a try, so here I am trying to set all my activities in different hours, considering eating times and also, knowing it can take longer to achieve each activity than I think. I’m trying to add certain coping rituals through out the day so I can manage my anxiety, also I’m testing the results of each coping mechanism. For tomorrow I’m planning in doing meditation and working with music and smells. So there’s that. I’ll keep this blog update specially in this topic, so if you’re curious keep an eye on your news board.

I’m kind of worry with all the “rituals” thing, I know it’s just a word but yo… I’ve OCD and that’s a strong word for me, so I’ll try to yes, make a routine, but if I see I obsess over it or I get anxiety from not doing the thing I’ll probably stop. Let’s see what happens.

I’m gonna post my schedule for tomorrow in hopes I can success if I post it here. Enjoy seeing my activities. I’m staring with a few for now, maybe after tomorrow I’ll add more so I can get used to it slowly. 

8:00 a.m

WAKE UP TIME:

  • To make sure I feel safe: 
  • Some smell sticks
  • Silent/Music
    • Make the bed

BREAKFAST: (take your meds along breakfast)

  • Around 8:30 a.m, don’t feel pressure with the time. But try to eat early.

9:30/10:00 a.m 

10 MINUTES MEDITATION:

  • Use the new meditation app or YT videos. 10 or 15 minutes will do.

SHOWER/GETTING READY:

  • Prepare your clothes first, as always.
  • Make sure the water is hot and you feel safe (check 8:00 a.m suggestions)
  • —- from 2 to 3 hours —-

12:00/13:00 p.m

EATING (?):

  • If you feel like it.

GERMAN:

  • Place your stuff in the dinner table, pick the music you feel in the mood for. Try to: Study in 15 minutes sets and 5/8 minutes of breaks.

13:00/14:00 p.m

EAT IF YOU DIDN’T BEFORE/FREE TIME UNTIL 16:00 p.m

16:00 to 17:40:

GET READY FOR GOING TO THE MEDITATION PLACE

Try to go to sleep over 22:00 p.m to 23:00 p.m

Reasons to live

This post is inspired by this wonderful person [too polar].

This next week is my last week of vacation, my anxiety it’s striking back with different sort of intrusive thoughts because University is getting close, in conclusion: anxiety is a bitch.

This list have the intention to be a reminder, I want to live:

  1. My dog. He’s the beautiful poodle ever, he’s old and fluffy and he knows when I’m feeling sad because every time I don’t come out of bed he yells until I wake up, and if that doesn’t work he kiss me and push me give his little body.
  2. She. Amazing person, I wish some day I’ll meet her face to face, because if she can rescue me from a really bad day just by talking to me, I can’t imagine what a hug from her must be like.
  3. Writing, drawing, photography, music. Arts are my best friends and nothing else understands me better than music or writing.
  4. Traveling, discover new places. I need to live because this world is full of beautiful places, I love to find that little coffee shop, unique and retro, that’s is hidden in a corner, is special to have the chance to find places like that
  5. Studying languages. I want to speak at least 5 languages, that’s one of my big goals for life.
  6. Watching shows, reading, relaxing. I’m a fan girl, that’s where I belong.
  7. Looking back and realize it have been a long way, but I’m still here somehow.

I feel I can’t perceive people love me

I’ve been seeing a lot mental health videos lately, I’m a passionate member of this community so you know, as someone who is studying management but really really wants to do, in the future, some kind of studying related to psychology, I am, indeed, without question, a passionate mentally ill woman. I’m giving attention specially this days, to Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short, youtube have amazing people talking about it with such a great personalities and talking skills, some of them explain basic and deep questions about how does it feels to have a mental illness with so many mood swings and daily battles. I like OCD videos too, of course, I see myself on them, even if they are talking about obsessive cleaning, we all share the same feeling… “what if…” feeling, that’s it.

But, when you see mentally ill people who are experiencing recovery, they seen to have a more positive way to see life, they are ok with the people around them and they accept the fact that shitty days are coming, and they’ll deal with them with this “magical” coping skills they are developed through out the years.

I’ve a problem when trying to put this in practice. I don’t like my parents, my mom is nº1, she’s always on the top list next to her narcissistic abusive behavior of course, my dad is… a good dad… well he’s what you can expect from someone who was born in the 50’s. He doesn’t believe I’m mentally ill nor I have a problem dealing with my emotions, with at this point I don’t know if what he’s says is offensive or goes along with my own mindset, like I said before a couple of times, I’m not sure if humans have a “problem” if they function different to others individuals but I understand, we live in society, and societies are control freaks, they want to know they can control what you do or at least they want to know what you’re going to do. That’s kinda hard, bob, we ain’t no clue what’s gonna happen tomorrow… mentally ill people are unpredictable. Is that a problem?

I like my friend, the one who I always hang out, and the other one who is getting a little distant but he’s a cool guy to be around too. I like my internet friends. But I’ve a problem with not feeling well-love, what do I mean by this? I feel like I can’t perceive people love me you know?  It’s like that part of my empathy is hella fuck or was damaged in my childhood. That’s why watching BPDs videos sometimes makes me understand I’m not the only one who feels like this, don’t get me wrong, I don’t fit the criteria, but this feeling in particular when you don’t feel love when someone is not directly telling you or this person isn’t in front of you, when you feel like nobody cares for you and you’re lonely, isolated, when everything feels so far from you because you lose the sense of “others” letting you just with your own voice to be with. That feeling. I live with it.

I feel my friends doesn’t like me anymore when it’s been a while since I saw them, and sometimes I’m not sure if my parents loves me either, some days I DO can see it tho… because they do stuff for me, they take me to the doctor, they pick me up if I ask them, but you see… I’m not the type who likes loves through objects-action, like for example, let’s say… someone making you breakfast, that can be a love demonstration for someone right? I like when someone remember what I say, what I like, who I am, what are my fears, who hears me out when I’m feeling down and cheers me up no by saying “do this, do that”, just saying they love me and they’re not going anywhere because I’m having thoughts about jumping out of the window, I like to hear you too… how you feel, what you love… that’s the kind of person I am.

I like when you ask me how I’m doing, and I like when you show me you are a real human being. My parents, they show loves through “action”, clean the dishes… that’s a proof of caring, do a favor to a friend… that’s a demonstration of love. For me, that love is kind of selfish, is about to give and take. It’s a little bit empty isn’t it?

  • I’ll love to have the chance to say them “I’ll give you 50$ if you tell what’s the favorite singer of that friend of yours”, or more juicy “what’s the worst fear of that fella boo you have?”, how many answer do you think I’ll get? None, for sure.

I have this good things and bad things in my life, but fuck… some days I don’t like even the good ones, I hate everything and I get angry with the world, with myself, with all humans (animals are cool, I love animals no matter what). And what upset me the most is to feel I’m not okay with it, is like I want something else but at the same time I don’t know what it is. Funny, I’m a INFP, it’s a classic feeling to feel this way for INFPs… like something is missing. What? What is it? I don’t know. I want to be okay with what I have so when things get harder I’ll hold on to them.

I’ve a problem with that too, I feel like the only one who can solves my problems is myself, so I tend to keep quiet. I don’t know what to ask in order to get better, not to others, the times when I feel better is because of that advice my own mind gave me. Maybe you can call this trust issues. Probably that’s what it is.

I want to be like some people out there who don’t give a fuck is they have a couple of people in their life, I can be like this just for short periods of times before the “what if…” starts and make me question my whole existence. “You don’t have enough friends maybe this means you don’t have any value”, something like that.

I want to be able to embrace my identity and move on to the next level of achievement, goals, freedom, creativity, happiness.

Advice: /in my own voice to make it count lmao/  Happy, thank you, more please.

A little list of what I’m currently watching

I want to make this post to give some diversity to my blog, like… I want to talk about something that’s no me, here, saying “I feel bad, what do I do?”, so let’s go for it.

  • SHOWS:
  • Sotus The Series:  This is a Thai gay drama about two guys in college who are in different positions, one is a freshman and the other a senior, this is a very important thing in asian culture, there’s a relationship of respect and a separation line between ages so the younger must respect and obey his seniors. I won’t spoil much about it, because yo… I love to bring people to the dark side without knowing anything.
  • C: The money of the soul and probability: PSYCHOLOGICAL ANIME. I love, love, love, love this anime genre, and this anime specificly is the shit. No too much heavy, fairly weird and good animation. The story is based on the prize of greed and the desire for money and power.

 

  • MUSIC:
  • Kpop&Co: I’m really feeling bangtan boys lately, I have on replay Hold me tight. I love when I re-fall in love with songs or albums // Side to side by Ariana Grande is my jam, literally everytime I hear “I’ve been here all night…” I get up and sing my lungs out like the fangirl I proundly am. // Hyuna’s newest album is on my heart lately as well, she’s so pretty, brings out my rainbow feelings. // And finally, Fifth harmony’s album, dude… girl power is taking over music, everytime I hear big bad wolf and dope I just get too overexcited.

 

  • READING:
  • El desorden que dejas: Is a spanish book, kind of thriller… with a little bit of suspense, but with a comedy touch. It’s really good and it have a few psychology topics here and there that keeps you interested without making you roll your eyes. The plot goes around a teacher who takes the place of another teacher who kill herself, but the reasons why she did it were never discovered by the police. Without knowing the same things that happened to her predecessor start happening to her.

Less anxiety at night

I just come to realize this couple of days I have less anxiety in the night/early morning, I even feel super happy and chill. I’m trying to understand why this happens. As far as I know, the brain understand night-time as it’s natural time to sleep right? And when you sleep the brain is highly active, what does this mean? I’m not quite sure, since I don’t know enough about the brain to come up with an accurate explanation. I’m not even sure if brains do really understand night-time as their natural time to sleep… but if they do that could mean my brain is extra active at night, and maybe that’s one of the reason my anxiety is so intense, because when I’m in “awake” hours, it doesn’t have as much activity.

Am I making sense?

This is a weird situation because when I don’t have nothing to do and too much stress at night-time, I tend to overthink and have a lot of anxiety, usually because I’ll be trying to fall sleep. A big contradiction I have here.

Is always talk about being anxious at morning but, anyone of you guys have a time of the day when you feel less anxious?