Fucking assholes

Why in the fucking life people can’t shut the fuck up? TW: THIS IS A RANT

I can’t understand why people can’t just take their own lifes and live them without judging other people and acting like stupid assholes. Dude the way I live is out of your business, you don’t live in this body, you don’t think what I think, you don’t suffer what I do so let me take my own decisions fine? I know what’s best for me. Ok with that being said… this is the story. Today someone who don’t even know me tried to push me to smoke some shit I didn’t want to smoke, and me, a person who really have a hard time rejecting people couldn’t tell him to stop with enough determination for him to shut the fuck up and leave me a lone. You may think when psychology defines social anxiety as the fear to be rejected as a exaggeration. Is not. Believe me, we have a hard time telling people they are being assholes.

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This happened with a persistence of 2 motherfucking hours. He was pushing and pushing, I was saying no and no, over and over. I don’t understand how someone find that funny. When I told my dad a few hours ago he said I should had say him to stop and even leave the place, but I wasn’t able to do that because I felt like that guy will feel like I was being rude, I was scared he will judge me… even tho it was obvious I was uncomfortable and I wanted to leave.

I’m 19 years old, and for some, this can sound like a short time in this earth, but you’ll suppose at this age I’ll be capable to walk away from a situation I don’t feel okay with.

tumblr_inline_n9903cp2s81rr7q1yThe thing is I’m not even anxious about this I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I wish I had the power to glue people’s mouth so they shut the fuck up for once.

The only good thing is I never said yes. So he can go to suck Donald Trump’s wee wee.

 

A Daily Update: Friends who say inappropriate shit

I miss my yesterday’s udapte, sorry about that, I remembered just when I was lay in bed hugging my stuffed fox and my brain was like ‘I’ll write it later’, like I was gonna get up five minutes later, turn on my computer and write a post  after I found the perfect position HA!

Yesterday was good, I did my cooking course which was so yummy and worthy, even tho I had anxiety the whole time. First of all, for some reason I couldn’t sleep the night before and I was exhausted the whole four hours, my head was nodding and I was hella unfocused. The course was at 9am by the way, second sitting next to me was a lady, in her mid-50s, talking shit and bragging about how much she knows how to cook and how the instructor was doing things wrong, basically she was my mom in someone else body. Instant trigger.

CHZGUyEUMAEFJP2I wanted to punch her in the face screaming: ‘WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE SO???”. But I’m trying to be part of this coumminity, I’ve to learn to be tolerant and keep my calm. So I limited myself to just turn my back on her.

We had lunch there, basically we ate what we were learning to cook. Oh god, it was good.

I did my meditation in there later on. The guy who is in charge he talked about astrology and some interesting stuff. I was in a better mood at that point, luckily.

Today, I woke up with anxiety. Don’t you guys hate when you are sleeping and you are about to wake up but you don’t just yet, so you are half sleep half awake, and you can listen other people in your house making noise? My mom and dad were having a discussion about our country’s situation, I wasn’t as bother by it… but my heart started racing like crazy and I was like ARJIDKAD FUCKUCKFUCK. I got my ass out of bed and did my thing. I didn’t have another option.

I went to see a friend in the afternoon, I went there, talked to her for a while and then a friend of us came too.

This is what I want to talk. So, I like this person because he’s a good guy, very smart, “decently” open minded, he’s funny and all that, but he’s this kind of person who say inappropriate shit sometimes, for example, you can be talking about movies and he’ll say ramdonly in middle of the conversation ‘today you look fat’, and it’s like ‘??? dude we are talking about movies what the hell?’, that’s just normal shit. He knows I have OCD, he knows I have anxiety but he doesn’t stop to think about what could possible trigger me or others. He just goes and says whatever he wants, and that pissed me off. Also, he makes sexual inappropriate comments, before my mobile phobia got this bad I used to talk to him through texting and he used to do this sexual questions, no like ‘want a dick pic? smiley emoji’, nah… I would had kick him in the balls if that was the case, it was questions with the intention to know my “woman opinion” about sexual topics, or some shit, maybe he just wanted to be a cuntcake, but you see… I don’t give too many fucks about sexuality or anything related, and I’m very uncomfortable with questions towards me about sex, I’m okay if you talk about it because is have nothing to do with me, but he insisted on being this annoying person.

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I found myself sometimes annoyed by him now, and I feel bad because he’s my second friend out of the two friends I consider real friends out of internet and who I can talk about my interests, and of course, who I hang out with ocasionally. I feel like the more I learn about people, being respecful, knowing everybody deals with something, wanting to be more kind and less negative, I’m more annoyed by him. He can be so ignorant about so many shit. I don’t know what to do, well… maybe I won’t do anything and just let him be. But my vibes are strongly crashed when I think I’m going to have to deal with that.

Did you like my ironic main picture?

Any similar experiences?

The importance of silence

I’m not sure what I’m want to express and how to express it, maybe that’s not the best way to start an entry because confidence is all right? I don’t know if this is my social anxiety talking either, but probably it have something to do with it.

Silence in my opinion is a vital source of energy, I need it for recharging, relaxing and recover. If I don’t have my daily dosis of silence, chances are I’ll feel like a mudafoca piece of trash that day. But… what about other people? Are we introverts and we anxious chihuahuas in perpetual state of shaking the only ones who need silence in their life? For some people silence are described as unnatural and uncomfortable lack of sound, my mom, this person I spend so much time with since I’m young and I live with her, she’s one of this people.

The other day we were in separe rooms and I went where she was to take something and she told me “don’t you think the house is too quiet?”, I was so damn shocked, because I didn’t realize how amazing I was feeling because it was perfect, is quiet, is calm, what you are talking about, mom? But she don’t think like that, she’s uncomfortable when there’s such a quietness in our house. It’s interesting.

Although, I still think silence is important for everyone’s life, is unhealthy to allow ourselves to be understimulated all the time… tv, radio, internet, smartphones, cars noises outside, it’s too much! Silence is needed.

And what does it means you can’t be in a place where only you, maybe a book or your computer why not? But there’s nobody else and there isn’t certanly no sound but your own breathing. Why aren’t you capable of being alone with yourself?

Even when two people are having a conversation silence is there, and is natural, and is awkward yes, but it’s meant to be there. A pause, a moment of reflexion, how can you understand the other person feelings and thinking without a short pause? Or you aren’t really listening. We need to stop being scared of silence because it give us wonders if we let it, we can understand ourselves and others better through it, we can create new things when is nothing there to distract us. Silence is needed.