I’m upset. I couldn’t go out with them today

This almost like livebloging my life, since this is happening right now and I’m feeling a little bit upset. You know I’m tired of people doing plans to go out a day before, and just casually sending you a message and expecting you check your fucking phone all the mother fucking time so you can notice when they let you know… “you know… tomorrow we’re going out”. Well yesterday I was busy, I was buying a bunch of stuff for my house, spending quality time with my family and no, I didn’t give a fuck about my phone because I don’t happen to be glue to my phone like you humans nowadays seems to be. I’m so tired of this bullshit. You know how easy is to plan your shit dates ahead so everybody can be in the same page. But what about spontaneity? You might ask… that’s fine a couple times, but all the fucking times… jesus, why if I don’t have money I can’t go, wouldn’t be more easy to ask ahead so I can save some money or shit? or I already was considering to do other things, if you give me time I can organized my time and maybe I can make it.

I’m upset because people expect from me to be like them, and I know this is no news, society push us all to try to be like everyone else, we walk on the right side here stupid! This is annoying me because one of my goals for this year, that I set in september of last year is to hang out with this stupid people I know from my university to try to improve my social anxiety, but they make it so hard for me to success.

Currently I’m not worry if they are gonna hate me for no going out with them… again. But the night is young, there’s always time to worry isn’t it? Fuck my brain who takes everything too personal and cares a lot.

This week have been nice you know? I’ve been spending time with the people of the hare krishna’s temple, people who I can be without having anxiety, I talked with my best friend about geeky shit and binge watch anime and kdramas.

This christmas holidays are way too short and to be honest I’m angry at the fact majority of the people have longer holidays than my university.

What trigger me the most is that the person who invited me to this hang out told me right now “thank god I put the date on the message”, what is that suppose to mean? I replied just a few minutes ago “I don’t understand”, he haven’t say anything so far… I wish I could make people experience how upsetting is this type of messages and even more that they don’t answer when you don’t understand whatever the fuck they were trying to say.

End.

A Daily Update: Friends who say inappropriate shit

I miss my yesterday’s udapte, sorry about that, I remembered just when I was lay in bed hugging my stuffed fox and my brain was like ‘I’ll write it later’, like I was gonna get up five minutes later, turn on my computer and write a post  after I found the perfect position HA!

Yesterday was good, I did my cooking course which was so yummy and worthy, even tho I had anxiety the whole time. First of all, for some reason I couldn’t sleep the night before and I was exhausted the whole four hours, my head was nodding and I was hella unfocused. The course was at 9am by the way, second sitting next to me was a lady, in her mid-50s, talking shit and bragging about how much she knows how to cook and how the instructor was doing things wrong, basically she was my mom in someone else body. Instant trigger.

CHZGUyEUMAEFJP2I wanted to punch her in the face screaming: ‘WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE SO???”. But I’m trying to be part of this coumminity, I’ve to learn to be tolerant and keep my calm. So I limited myself to just turn my back on her.

We had lunch there, basically we ate what we were learning to cook. Oh god, it was good.

I did my meditation in there later on. The guy who is in charge he talked about astrology and some interesting stuff. I was in a better mood at that point, luckily.

Today, I woke up with anxiety. Don’t you guys hate when you are sleeping and you are about to wake up but you don’t just yet, so you are half sleep half awake, and you can listen other people in your house making noise? My mom and dad were having a discussion about our country’s situation, I wasn’t as bother by it… but my heart started racing like crazy and I was like ARJIDKAD FUCKUCKFUCK. I got my ass out of bed and did my thing. I didn’t have another option.

I went to see a friend in the afternoon, I went there, talked to her for a while and then a friend of us came too.

This is what I want to talk. So, I like this person because he’s a good guy, very smart, “decently” open minded, he’s funny and all that, but he’s this kind of person who say inappropriate shit sometimes, for example, you can be talking about movies and he’ll say ramdonly in middle of the conversation ‘today you look fat’, and it’s like ‘??? dude we are talking about movies what the hell?’, that’s just normal shit. He knows I have OCD, he knows I have anxiety but he doesn’t stop to think about what could possible trigger me or others. He just goes and says whatever he wants, and that pissed me off. Also, he makes sexual inappropriate comments, before my mobile phobia got this bad I used to talk to him through texting and he used to do this sexual questions, no like ‘want a dick pic? smiley emoji’, nah… I would had kick him in the balls if that was the case, it was questions with the intention to know my “woman opinion” about sexual topics, or some shit, maybe he just wanted to be a cuntcake, but you see… I don’t give too many fucks about sexuality or anything related, and I’m very uncomfortable with questions towards me about sex, I’m okay if you talk about it because is have nothing to do with me, but he insisted on being this annoying person.

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I found myself sometimes annoyed by him now, and I feel bad because he’s my second friend out of the two friends I consider real friends out of internet and who I can talk about my interests, and of course, who I hang out with ocasionally. I feel like the more I learn about people, being respecful, knowing everybody deals with something, wanting to be more kind and less negative, I’m more annoyed by him. He can be so ignorant about so many shit. I don’t know what to do, well… maybe I won’t do anything and just let him be. But my vibes are strongly crashed when I think I’m going to have to deal with that.

Did you like my ironic main picture?

Any similar experiences?