OCD: I’m relapsing, toxic mental health content (reassurance seeking)

I feel like losing that meetup I talked about in my last post triggered a compulsion I haven’t done in months. For fuck’s sake this is annoying me, I can feel the anxiety underneath my skin… somewhere hiding behind the connections inside my brain, she wants an excuse to put me down and make me panic about school, about people, about my future. About everything. I don’t want this I’m scared. I want to keep getting better.

I’m on tumblr right now scrolling through my dash and rebloging posts here and there to keep my mind away from intrusive thoughts, but there’s this part of tumblr I can’t go because I know it will make me ill, there’s are certain tags all of them belongs to the mental health community that are really full of bullshit (Ironically I tag some posts on here with those tags). You see, the tumblr’s mental health community is shit and toxic, not entirely of course, some people there use the platform as a way of venting just like some of us do on here… which is totally cool with me but there’s some people who loves the attention “relatable content” give to their blogs, so they put out there really toxic material that… sometimes it makes you throw yourself into the rabbit hole without even noticing, you could be really fine before clicking… and then, after an hour of scrolling you’ll feel like nothing matters anymore. That’s how awful it is.

For example, there’s post mocking about suicidal thoughts, how much they dissociated from themselves, everything in the name of “edgy humor”.

I was obsessed over this side of tumblr last year… somewhere there between july and august, it took me a lot determination to step out of it and understand it was a compulsion. I don’t want to name names, but the PD community, specially the Avoidant Personality Disorder tumblr side is quite triggering, they love to put excuses for everything and, mind you, I’m not the right person to talk about -positivity- and -good vibes- but damn if you don’t root for your own self who is going to? Still don’t see it? How bad can it be, 10000 notes=shares is a scary number if you ask me.

Even if I know this I want to type down into the tumblr’s search bar so badly those tags… I feel this pulling force and the anxiety that comes from not doing it. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I have to admit I did searched on google OCD and social anxiety related websites, to be completely honest I even read a bunch of entries on a Social Anxiety Forum and TheMighty website. I’m guilty of that, but those sources are waaaay healthier than tumblr in any way possible for mental health matters. I need to fucking-stay-away-from-it.

I’m scared of college, like I always am, but I have new things in my life, things that makes me happy. But, I know hard days will be there… I know anxiety will be there, and I’m scared  of everything becoming too much to bare again, I don’t want to relapse into old habits and compulsions.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot racing thoughts before going to sleep and even some days I have so many thoughts collapsing in top of each other that they follow me to the dream world and won’t allow me to rest.

What do you do when you don’t feel strong enough? What do you do when everything feels too rushed?

I’m upset. I couldn’t go out with them today

This almost like livebloging my life, since this is happening right now and I’m feeling a little bit upset. You know I’m tired of people doing plans to go out a day before, and just casually sending you a message and expecting you check your fucking phone all the mother fucking time so you can notice when they let you know… “you know… tomorrow we’re going out”. Well yesterday I was busy, I was buying a bunch of stuff for my house, spending quality time with my family and no, I didn’t give a fuck about my phone because I don’t happen to be glue to my phone like you humans nowadays seems to be. I’m so tired of this bullshit. You know how easy is to plan your shit dates ahead so everybody can be in the same page. But what about spontaneity? You might ask… that’s fine a couple times, but all the fucking times… jesus, why if I don’t have money I can’t go, wouldn’t be more easy to ask ahead so I can save some money or shit? or I already was considering to do other things, if you give me time I can organized my time and maybe I can make it.

I’m upset because people expect from me to be like them, and I know this is no news, society push us all to try to be like everyone else, we walk on the right side here stupid! This is annoying me because one of my goals for this year, that I set in september of last year is to hang out with this stupid people I know from my university to try to improve my social anxiety, but they make it so hard for me to success.

Currently I’m not worry if they are gonna hate me for no going out with them… again. But the night is young, there’s always time to worry isn’t it? Fuck my brain who takes everything too personal and cares a lot.

This week have been nice you know? I’ve been spending time with the people of the hare krishna’s temple, people who I can be without having anxiety, I talked with my best friend about geeky shit and binge watch anime and kdramas.

This christmas holidays are way too short and to be honest I’m angry at the fact majority of the people have longer holidays than my university.

What trigger me the most is that the person who invited me to this hang out told me right now “thank god I put the date on the message”, what is that suppose to mean? I replied just a few minutes ago “I don’t understand”, he haven’t say anything so far… I wish I could make people experience how upsetting is this type of messages and even more that they don’t answer when you don’t understand whatever the fuck they were trying to say.

End.

Planning tomorrow

I think one of my worse ‘overthinking’ habits is to have to plan what I’m gonna do ‘tomorrow’. But this doesn’t work as you’ll usually find people sitting on a desk planning their schedules. No, no, I’ll be cleaning the dishes and having this thought out of the blue “remember, tomorrow you have to do math’s homework”, and a few minutes later I’ll be sitting in the couch “remember, homework, tomorrow”, and suddenly I’ll feel angry at myself -I heard you the first time, leave me alone.- I don’t need to be remind every hour what I have to do, I know I have to do it. But that doesn’t stop in obligations and responsibilities, sometimes, like sundays, I’ll plan how and when I’ll text this x person because this y reason. I’ll plan at what time I’ll message them and what will I say in order to achieve my “social” goal. Sometimes it scares me how much I need my days to be in order, I secretly wish people would just follow my routine and stop planning things on the go. As you can tell I’m not much a spontaneous person. I’ll if I could force people to hang out with me in a schedule time holy moly we will make schedules for all with glitter and highlighters, so… here says that this day at this hour every week we will see each others faces do you understand? yes? Good, there will be not changes.

 

My life is kind of like that already, but of course, lifes happens, and that and anxiety will always find a way to make me feel like shit. That isn’t how Murphy law works? Anyways, this is why god doesn’t give me mind control powers.

A good week vs. a bad day, the anxiety version

I know, guys, I know… I said I’ll write when I have something positive to say but right now, in this very moment all I need is to vent. I need to say my demons names and call them out for what they are. You. Assholes. Get out of my temple for the holy power of god. I’m not kidding in any way, I want to let that clear. Today was one of those days that life is fine, you know? Morning didn’t come with a long dose of anxiety, you got dressed, made your homework, read your emails… everything is good, so you go by with life like the naive little punk you are, and then… something little or big happen and everything goes to hell.

I had math at the first hour, but before that I had to go to a class group at around 12:00m, apparently my teacher likes the concept of study groups, team work, help buddies and all that jazz, and not having enough with that, he gave it a percentage of the course’s grades, so I have to do it, like it or not. There’s five of us in that study group, but for my bad luck or good I don’t even know, we were just two studying for today’s assignment, and I’m not getting a star for “good at leading conversations” if you know what I mean, and apparently this girl knew everything but what I can do talk about. I can’t complain tho because she helped me with my homework, and besides I hate team work she explained me some things that I didn’t understand, -AND guys, listen, you gotta get help with that math hell, never ever ever say no if the life is offering you help with mathematics.

That was that.

I took my math class and all was good, this teacher is crazy but he knows how to teach, I have to give him that. Later, I went to Statistics, I know three people in there I spent the class with… I had say this before but as you know I love to repeat myself, I’m the introvert-ongoing-doesn’t know how to keep relationships-with hella social anxiety-good sense of humor-who can make people laugh-but it’s sure everyone hates me-tends to isolates herself… that’s me. I’m worst that Nostradamus predictions, with all that going on at the same time.

Statistics was good, I understood the class and I felt fine in there, actually I thought I had enough energy to go and “say hi” to my “friends” in University, you know what those “” mean right?

So, I met a friend in campus and we talked a little, then… the bad shit started to happen, people I didn’t know joined us and started talking and shit, later more people came, people I knew even but I was anxious already so I barely was keeping the “I’m dealing fine” face. I was controlling the situation tho, I forced myself to stay, I wanted to talk and spend time with people after all. But what really made me upset was a friend of mine, who is also the guy I kinda rejected last semester, I think I wrote about him here before, he said jokingly “I bet she lowkey hates us and everytime she sees us she fakes she likes us”, in my head right now he can go to suck dick, but in that moment I felt really bad because as a social anxious person that’s the impression we really hate the most to give people. That’s bullshit. I don’t know where all that shit came from. And damn, on paper looks more horrible than it was. I don’t know if I’m too sensitive. Forget that, I am, it’s obvious. I know one thing, my “”””friends””” are mostly boys, I don’t know the motive of this to be complete honest, but they are, and they treat themselves with this harsh sense of humor, but to be the subject of their jokes is completely different.

And on top of that, I went to the subway with one of this guyfriends, and oh no, guess what? He wasn’t leading the conversation either, instead of that he let the talk to me, TO ME, HOW FUCKING DARE HIM?, and I was worry half of the time for “am I doing too much eye contact?” and the other half “is this joke even funny?”, I made him laugh twice… but I still feel like I fail, I can’t handle socialization. And I was there like 1 hour… help me god.

When I got to my station I felt like crying, I was so fed up. My energy was -5%. My anxiety was “gimme that ativan bitch”%.

Thank god the body anxi things are gone by now, but this is not making motivated for tomorrow.

I’m gonna watch a movie and see what happens.

 

Relaxing techniques update 2609

As I said in my last post I’m trying new ways to cope with my anxiety and I’ll be updating you guys with my experiences on this techniques.

  1. I tried this past two days an app called headspaceis based in psychological concept know as mindfulness if you want to know more about this check their website they have a cute video explaining it all with music and a dorky animation, but… sadly, it just have a 10 days free trial program which really sucks, I’m not sure if you can unblock after that free activities or you can at least heard again the guided meditation’s program, I’ll let you know when I finish the trial. In my opinion, this is a great app to just sit down and relax meanwhile you hear the wonderful British accent of the guide. It makes you feel aware of your body and hear your thoughts in a safe space instead of rejecting them, at first it give you a little bit of anxiety, for someone like me who avoids to think or let the mind go free by itself because it usually gets too crazy or triggering for my weak stomach, it’s a really good experience.
  2. I want to recommend a Spotify playlist, it’s under the concentration mood’s category, you can find it as chill out brain. It did wonders for me today when I was studying german.
  3. About the smell sticks, it’s still a work in process, I’m trying to make my brain relate the smell sticks with a safe environment. I haven’t talk about this yet, but I’ve a irrational fear with getting inside the shower, no because of getting a shower itself but because I feel something wrong will happen to me while I’m getting the shower, so it’s an anxiety trip everyday when I take a bath. I use smell sticks and calm music to relax myself before going for it, I did the same thing today when I was making breakfast, since I have a lot of anxiety in the morning as well. It did help, the smell makes my chest to get a little lighter, so I’ll keep doing it.

I feel I can’t perceive people love me

I’ve been seeing a lot mental health videos lately, I’m a passionate member of this community so you know, as someone who is studying management but really really wants to do, in the future, some kind of studying related to psychology, I am, indeed, without question, a passionate mentally ill woman. I’m giving attention specially this days, to Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short, youtube have amazing people talking about it with such a great personalities and talking skills, some of them explain basic and deep questions about how does it feels to have a mental illness with so many mood swings and daily battles. I like OCD videos too, of course, I see myself on them, even if they are talking about obsessive cleaning, we all share the same feeling… “what if…” feeling, that’s it.

But, when you see mentally ill people who are experiencing recovery, they seen to have a more positive way to see life, they are ok with the people around them and they accept the fact that shitty days are coming, and they’ll deal with them with this “magical” coping skills they are developed through out the years.

I’ve a problem when trying to put this in practice. I don’t like my parents, my mom is nº1, she’s always on the top list next to her narcissistic abusive behavior of course, my dad is… a good dad… well he’s what you can expect from someone who was born in the 50’s. He doesn’t believe I’m mentally ill nor I have a problem dealing with my emotions, with at this point I don’t know if what he’s says is offensive or goes along with my own mindset, like I said before a couple of times, I’m not sure if humans have a “problem” if they function different to others individuals but I understand, we live in society, and societies are control freaks, they want to know they can control what you do or at least they want to know what you’re going to do. That’s kinda hard, bob, we ain’t no clue what’s gonna happen tomorrow… mentally ill people are unpredictable. Is that a problem?

I like my friend, the one who I always hang out, and the other one who is getting a little distant but he’s a cool guy to be around too. I like my internet friends. But I’ve a problem with not feeling well-love, what do I mean by this? I feel like I can’t perceive people love me you know?  It’s like that part of my empathy is hella fuck or was damaged in my childhood. That’s why watching BPDs videos sometimes makes me understand I’m not the only one who feels like this, don’t get me wrong, I don’t fit the criteria, but this feeling in particular when you don’t feel love when someone is not directly telling you or this person isn’t in front of you, when you feel like nobody cares for you and you’re lonely, isolated, when everything feels so far from you because you lose the sense of “others” letting you just with your own voice to be with. That feeling. I live with it.

I feel my friends doesn’t like me anymore when it’s been a while since I saw them, and sometimes I’m not sure if my parents loves me either, some days I DO can see it tho… because they do stuff for me, they take me to the doctor, they pick me up if I ask them, but you see… I’m not the type who likes loves through objects-action, like for example, let’s say… someone making you breakfast, that can be a love demonstration for someone right? I like when someone remember what I say, what I like, who I am, what are my fears, who hears me out when I’m feeling down and cheers me up no by saying “do this, do that”, just saying they love me and they’re not going anywhere because I’m having thoughts about jumping out of the window, I like to hear you too… how you feel, what you love… that’s the kind of person I am.

I like when you ask me how I’m doing, and I like when you show me you are a real human being. My parents, they show loves through “action”, clean the dishes… that’s a proof of caring, do a favor to a friend… that’s a demonstration of love. For me, that love is kind of selfish, is about to give and take. It’s a little bit empty isn’t it?

  • I’ll love to have the chance to say them “I’ll give you 50$ if you tell what’s the favorite singer of that friend of yours”, or more juicy “what’s the worst fear of that fella boo you have?”, how many answer do you think I’ll get? None, for sure.

I have this good things and bad things in my life, but fuck… some days I don’t like even the good ones, I hate everything and I get angry with the world, with myself, with all humans (animals are cool, I love animals no matter what). And what upset me the most is to feel I’m not okay with it, is like I want something else but at the same time I don’t know what it is. Funny, I’m a INFP, it’s a classic feeling to feel this way for INFPs… like something is missing. What? What is it? I don’t know. I want to be okay with what I have so when things get harder I’ll hold on to them.

I’ve a problem with that too, I feel like the only one who can solves my problems is myself, so I tend to keep quiet. I don’t know what to ask in order to get better, not to others, the times when I feel better is because of that advice my own mind gave me. Maybe you can call this trust issues. Probably that’s what it is.

I want to be like some people out there who don’t give a fuck is they have a couple of people in their life, I can be like this just for short periods of times before the “what if…” starts and make me question my whole existence. “You don’t have enough friends maybe this means you don’t have any value”, something like that.

I want to be able to embrace my identity and move on to the next level of achievement, goals, freedom, creativity, happiness.

Advice: /in my own voice to make it count lmao/  Happy, thank you, more please.

Less anxiety at night

I just come to realize this couple of days I have less anxiety in the night/early morning, I even feel super happy and chill. I’m trying to understand why this happens. As far as I know, the brain understand night-time as it’s natural time to sleep right? And when you sleep the brain is highly active, what does this mean? I’m not quite sure, since I don’t know enough about the brain to come up with an accurate explanation. I’m not even sure if brains do really understand night-time as their natural time to sleep… but if they do that could mean my brain is extra active at night, and maybe that’s one of the reason my anxiety is so intense, because when I’m in “awake” hours, it doesn’t have as much activity.

Am I making sense?

This is a weird situation because when I don’t have nothing to do and too much stress at night-time, I tend to overthink and have a lot of anxiety, usually because I’ll be trying to fall sleep. A big contradiction I have here.

Is always talk about being anxious at morning but, anyone of you guys have a time of the day when you feel less anxious?

Failing courses, college and having anxiety

I’m having a shitty day, guys, I did my courses inscription today for next semester and I figured out I failed a course I was pretty sure I did well, at least fair enough to pass it. This have everything to do with my anxiety when the semester is ending, I’m not able to check my grades because I feel so overwhelmed and tired by the end of it either I want to die or just go to sleep all summer/spring nonstop, I know it’s crazy but I can’t, I get panick attacks just for trying, so I trust my own calculation over my grades to know if I made it or not, I fucked up this time obviously. I rather have my shit straight before staring a new semester but this time I fucked up. This was my second time taking the course, do you understand how frustratig this is? I guess this will be my third try. I hope it’s true what they say “third is a charm”. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why university have to be so fucking stressful?

I want to say so badly, so-fucking-badly, I’m the shittiest person in the world, that I don’t do shit and I don’t deserve to feel how I feel and I’m a weak stupid bitch who just can’t do anything, that I don’t deserve to have an amazing sister who pays me college, that I deserve my shitty ass mom because I most have so much karma over my shoulders this is where I ended up. I want to, I’m doing it right now, this thoughts invade my brain when I look away from my monitor just a few seconds so I’m not distracted anymore. So there’s nothing but my own voice to hear.

But I know, and this is fucking me up so badly, to even write it feels fake. My OCD, social anxiety and GAD have a lot to do with me not doing 100% fine at college. You know why? Because I’m so busy trying to not lose my shit, to not go insane, I don’t study enough, and definily being a slave of avoiding compultions, trying to fight them, tyring to speand more time with people because that’s what I’m supossed to do right? Trying to calm myself before someone said something racist, homophobic or stupid in general, because I hate hearing ignorant comments, because yes I’m highly sensitive and I just want to run and cry somewhere when no ones can sees me or I become a zombie deattached from her feelings after someone ask me ignorant bullshit. Trying to not feel like shit because I’m not enjoying people’s company when I should be, because I don’t find interesting or fun how they think, are, say… but I have to stay there to not being a lonely huge red point to other people, because my social anxiety tells me everyone knows when I’m lonely and they’re probably talking shit about me. I have to worry about people’s intentions everytime they say something because I can’t trust them, because I don’t want them to hurt me. Loud noises, doing stuff by myself, group projects, and so on and on…

What do I do? What can I do?

At first I felt the anxiety coming from inside, in the middle of my chest, oh boy, this was that anxiety which eats you slowly, touch you from the inside like heat iron to break it way through outside. Pain, pain, pain. 

I took my pills and it helped me. I felt better.

Now I don’t feel much, I’m probably travelling on dissociation airlines at this moment, what a gift, but when I stop doing something that requires my attention I start having intrussive thoughts, about failing, about being lazy and not deserving nothing. I realized I can’t do nothing but keep going, that wasn’t an actually epiphany, that’s just how it is. I don’t know if college is for me, guys, but I can’t quit, my parents won’t let me do it. I don’t know anymore if they are my guardian angels who keep me going or just they don’t understand.

I need a degree, because I want to work on a company someday maybe at the marketing department. Why isn’t enough to want to do something to do it? Why isn’t enough to have goals? I started to have goals just this years, it was progress, but it bring more pain too. I think I might do better if I move out of this country and stay away from my mom, because to be honest, college and everything it’s in there gives me a lot pain, but the root of everything comes somewhere closer to home. I don’t know how to keep myself together with so much shit going on. The stress level in my environtment is a bitch. Dude I’m making excuses, my brain is literally shouting this right now.

I feel sleepy and tired, but I know if I go to sleep I’ll wake up with my anxiety making me curl up of pain, god is so painful, my whole body hurts, I can’t breathe, I can’t focus, I don’t want to eat, why is so painful? Why god created such a thing? I broke my foot in elementary school and it wasn’t nearly as painful as having a panick attack. I want to think I’m getting better at dealing with this, maybe I am, but I’m scared if I dare to even blink it will hit me twice harder.

OCD is a first world problem

What do you do when someone says such a ignorant thing? In this world with so many resources and easy ways to find all the information we need to make our minds grow, in this very age, when we know for matter of fact the only way to progress is to accept that every human deserves life, respect, security, food, love, and so much more. What do we do? I’m not the person to answer that, because the first thing I felt when I read this, I’ll say where, it was in a youtuber’s video called My Most Honest Video, I felt angry and wanted to rant over all my social media, it’s so full of ignorant people in there, you don’t have idea. People hating on a poor girl who only is asking for patience and understanding. I’m definily not the person to answer that, I wish I could say: ‘Educated them, show them facts, so they have the chance to be better humans”, but it’s hard, for me, a person who it’s trying to take day by day because I can’t function in this loud world like other people do. I can relate to some level to this girl, this people taking away from her, her feelings, making it unvalid just because she have good things in her life “what she is complaining about?” they say, she’s tired to overthink every detail of her life every single second that’s what she’s trying to say without, again… listen, without even trying to search for pity, because you can hear her words choices, she’s trying to make it look like it’s not that hard, she’s a brave one.

I’m not rich, I’m not a model, but I’ve good things and I know that. My country situation is awful but even tho, I have good things, I had live really shitty stuff, a bipolar mom, really fuck up shit, but I still have privilage. This girl does too, but we don’t know her, what if she’s gone throught shit? and most important what if she’s not? OCD doesn’t pick you because your pretty or because your life is awful, it’s part of you. When you get older you realize it was always there with you, but nobody said it was bad until now. This is not just for OCD or Bipolar Disorder, this apply for everyone in Mental Health Community.

I don’t want anyone to feel like their fights are less important or stupid, because nobody live inside your body, nobody live inside your brain, and for sure there’s no one in this world that knows better than you how much it hurts.

I hope this people learn how wrong they are, because probably there’s someone significant in their lifes who now is struggling with a first world problem, as they said, and they may need their help.

All I wanted to do was try to live the life that was inside me, trying to get out. Why was that so hard?

-Demian, Hermann Hesse

I’m a needy bitch

I’m sick, my back it’s hurting, my ASS is hurting… I’m not kidding the higher part of my ass it’s hurting right now, in this very moment, n o w. I got the flu, a weird ASS one that’s been flowing around this days. I HATE BEING SICK, I TOTALLY, DEFINILY, FUCKING HATE BEING SICK.

Specially because I get all needy and anxious. Well I was already anxious, and the sky is blue ok? But my nostalgic, poetic, I’m-gonna-search-for-sad-movies, being comes out when I’m sick. I want attention, yes, I want to be hugged, and I want people to take care of me and bring me food to bed, and do stuff for me. I HATE IT. Besides that, I got to be in bed without feeling guilty for wasting time, that’s new btw, add it on my new obsessions list. I slept all day without getting bash for my own brain and that’s good! Positivity. Progress. I feel sarcastic, I’m sorry about that.

I’m gonna go watch a sad anime, I surrender /throws herself upon bed dramatically/ What do you think Holly would do?