Trying new medication

So last crisis… that passed. I kind of made peace with my own mind the next day. You don’t know how tired are you of a situation until you beat your own brain to death, in a metaphorical way of course. Thank god I usually just go crazy on the internet, I can’t imaging my mom face if I told her how fast my mind change over a situation, I was having a lot of anxiety a day and the next I was “fuck it, I’m too tired for this shit”. Pressuring myself to do things I’m not prepare to do it’s just gonna make me lose my sanity, so let me stop okay?

Finally I’m trying a new medication after leaving behind Lexapro for good, that was like… 7 months ago maybe, I have to admit I liked how it reduced my obsessive thoughts but I couldn’t take one minute more of my jaw feeling painfully pressed, to the point I was always self-conscious of my mouth. I was prescribed Zoloft 50mg, I took it for the first time yesterday and surprisingly, it made me hella hyper, I’ll take a chance and even call it a “chemical happy peak”, but it’s so fake that’s annoying me I want to feel fine not extremely energetic, please body just adjust already. It gave a me a little nausea as well but that’s manageable.

I think I’ll go down to 25mg tho, since it’s making my hands shake and it’s giving insomnia. But I’ve been told it’s normal for the first weeks, since my brain is adjusting and all that fun stuff. Other reason I want to go down it’s cause I just bought two boxes with 10 pills each and since I live in a crazy ass country is really hard to find this type of medication on ANY pharmacy. I was lucky this time. So if I have to leave it when it’s over I won’t be asking for electroshock after.

OCD: I’m relapsing, toxic mental health content (reassurance seeking)

I feel like losing that meetup I talked about in my last post triggered a compulsion I haven’t done in months. For fuck’s sake this is annoying me, I can feel the anxiety underneath my skin… somewhere hiding behind the connections inside my brain, she wants an excuse to put me down and make me panic about school, about people, about my future. About everything. I don’t want this I’m scared. I want to keep getting better.

I’m on tumblr right now scrolling through my dash and rebloging posts here and there to keep my mind away from intrusive thoughts, but there’s this part of tumblr I can’t go because I know it will make me ill, there’s are certain tags all of them belongs to the mental health community that are really full of bullshit (Ironically I tag some posts on here with those tags). You see, the tumblr’s mental health community is shit and toxic, not entirely of course, some people there use the platform as a way of venting just like some of us do on here… which is totally cool with me but there’s some people who loves the attention “relatable content” give to their blogs, so they put out there really toxic material that… sometimes it makes you throw yourself into the rabbit hole without even noticing, you could be really fine before clicking… and then, after an hour of scrolling you’ll feel like nothing matters anymore. That’s how awful it is.

For example, there’s post mocking about suicidal thoughts, how much they dissociated from themselves, everything in the name of “edgy humor”.

I was obsessed over this side of tumblr last year… somewhere there between july and august, it took me a lot determination to step out of it and understand it was a compulsion. I don’t want to name names, but the PD community, specially the Avoidant Personality Disorder tumblr side is quite triggering, they love to put excuses for everything and, mind you, I’m not the right person to talk about -positivity- and -good vibes- but damn if you don’t root for your own self who is going to? Still don’t see it? How bad can it be, 10000 notes=shares is a scary number if you ask me.

Even if I know this I want to type down into the tumblr’s search bar so badly those tags… I feel this pulling force and the anxiety that comes from not doing it. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I have to admit I did searched on google OCD and social anxiety related websites, to be completely honest I even read a bunch of entries on a Social Anxiety Forum and TheMighty website. I’m guilty of that, but those sources are waaaay healthier than tumblr in any way possible for mental health matters. I need to fucking-stay-away-from-it.

I’m scared of college, like I always am, but I have new things in my life, things that makes me happy. But, I know hard days will be there… I know anxiety will be there, and I’m scared  of everything becoming too much to bare again, I don’t want to relapse into old habits and compulsions.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot racing thoughts before going to sleep and even some days I have so many thoughts collapsing in top of each other that they follow me to the dream world and won’t allow me to rest.

What do you do when you don’t feel strong enough? What do you do when everything feels too rushed?

I’m upset. I couldn’t go out with them today

This almost like livebloging my life, since this is happening right now and I’m feeling a little bit upset. You know I’m tired of people doing plans to go out a day before, and just casually sending you a message and expecting you check your fucking phone all the mother fucking time so you can notice when they let you know… “you know… tomorrow we’re going out”. Well yesterday I was busy, I was buying a bunch of stuff for my house, spending quality time with my family and no, I didn’t give a fuck about my phone because I don’t happen to be glue to my phone like you humans nowadays seems to be. I’m so tired of this bullshit. You know how easy is to plan your shit dates ahead so everybody can be in the same page. But what about spontaneity? You might ask… that’s fine a couple times, but all the fucking times… jesus, why if I don’t have money I can’t go, wouldn’t be more easy to ask ahead so I can save some money or shit? or I already was considering to do other things, if you give me time I can organized my time and maybe I can make it.

I’m upset because people expect from me to be like them, and I know this is no news, society push us all to try to be like everyone else, we walk on the right side here stupid! This is annoying me because one of my goals for this year, that I set in september of last year is to hang out with this stupid people I know from my university to try to improve my social anxiety, but they make it so hard for me to success.

Currently I’m not worry if they are gonna hate me for no going out with them… again. But the night is young, there’s always time to worry isn’t it? Fuck my brain who takes everything too personal and cares a lot.

This week have been nice you know? I’ve been spending time with the people of the hare krishna’s temple, people who I can be without having anxiety, I talked with my best friend about geeky shit and binge watch anime and kdramas.

This christmas holidays are way too short and to be honest I’m angry at the fact majority of the people have longer holidays than my university.

What trigger me the most is that the person who invited me to this hang out told me right now “thank god I put the date on the message”, what is that suppose to mean? I replied just a few minutes ago “I don’t understand”, he haven’t say anything so far… I wish I could make people experience how upsetting is this type of messages and even more that they don’t answer when you don’t understand whatever the fuck they were trying to say.

End.