Trying new medication

So last crisis… that passed. I kind of made peace with my own mind the next day. You don’t know how tired are you of a situation until you beat your own brain to death, in a metaphorical way of course. Thank god I usually just go crazy on the internet, I can’t imaging my mom face if I told her how fast my mind change over a situation, I was having a lot of anxiety a day and the next I was “fuck it, I’m too tired for this shit”. Pressuring myself to do things I’m not prepare to do it’s just gonna make me lose my sanity, so let me stop okay?

Finally I’m trying a new medication after leaving behind Lexapro for good, that was like… 7 months ago maybe, I have to admit I liked how it reduced my obsessive thoughts but I couldn’t take one minute more of my jaw feeling painfully pressed, to the point I was always self-conscious of my mouth. I was prescribed Zoloft 50mg, I took it for the first time yesterday and surprisingly, it made me hella hyper, I’ll take a chance and even call it a “chemical happy peak”, but it’s so fake that’s annoying me I want to feel fine not extremely energetic, please body just adjust already. It gave a me a little nausea as well but that’s manageable.

I think I’ll go down to 25mg tho, since it’s making my hands shake and it’s giving insomnia. But I’ve been told it’s normal for the first weeks, since my brain is adjusting and all that fun stuff. Other reason I want to go down it’s cause I just bought two boxes with 10 pills each and since I live in a crazy ass country is really hard to find this type of medication on ANY pharmacy. I was lucky this time. So if I have to leave it when it’s over I won’t be asking for electroshock after.

OCD: I’m relapsing, toxic mental health content (reassurance seeking)

I feel like losing that meetup I talked about in my last post triggered a compulsion I haven’t done in months. For fuck’s sake this is annoying me, I can feel the anxiety underneath my skin… somewhere hiding behind the connections inside my brain, she wants an excuse to put me down and make me panic about school, about people, about my future. About everything. I don’t want this I’m scared. I want to keep getting better.

I’m on tumblr right now scrolling through my dash and rebloging posts here and there to keep my mind away from intrusive thoughts, but there’s this part of tumblr I can’t go because I know it will make me ill, there’s are certain tags all of them belongs to the mental health community that are really full of bullshit (Ironically I tag some posts on here with those tags). You see, the tumblr’s mental health community is shit and toxic, not entirely of course, some people there use the platform as a way of venting just like some of us do on here… which is totally cool with me but there’s some people who loves the attention “relatable content” give to their blogs, so they put out there really toxic material that… sometimes it makes you throw yourself into the rabbit hole without even noticing, you could be really fine before clicking… and then, after an hour of scrolling you’ll feel like nothing matters anymore. That’s how awful it is.

For example, there’s post mocking about suicidal thoughts, how much they dissociated from themselves, everything in the name of “edgy humor”.

I was obsessed over this side of tumblr last year… somewhere there between july and august, it took me a lot determination to step out of it and understand it was a compulsion. I don’t want to name names, but the PD community, specially the Avoidant Personality Disorder tumblr side is quite triggering, they love to put excuses for everything and, mind you, I’m not the right person to talk about -positivity- and -good vibes- but damn if you don’t root for your own self who is going to? Still don’t see it? How bad can it be, 10000 notes=shares is a scary number if you ask me.

Even if I know this I want to type down into the tumblr’s search bar so badly those tags… I feel this pulling force and the anxiety that comes from not doing it. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I have to admit I did searched on google OCD and social anxiety related websites, to be completely honest I even read a bunch of entries on a Social Anxiety Forum and TheMighty website. I’m guilty of that, but those sources are waaaay healthier than tumblr in any way possible for mental health matters. I need to fucking-stay-away-from-it.

I’m scared of college, like I always am, but I have new things in my life, things that makes me happy. But, I know hard days will be there… I know anxiety will be there, and I’m scared  of everything becoming too much to bare again, I don’t want to relapse into old habits and compulsions.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot racing thoughts before going to sleep and even some days I have so many thoughts collapsing in top of each other that they follow me to the dream world and won’t allow me to rest.

What do you do when you don’t feel strong enough? What do you do when everything feels too rushed?

Planning tomorrow

I think one of my worse ‘overthinking’ habits is to have to plan what I’m gonna do ‘tomorrow’. But this doesn’t work as you’ll usually find people sitting on a desk planning their schedules. No, no, I’ll be cleaning the dishes and having this thought out of the blue “remember, tomorrow you have to do math’s homework”, and a few minutes later I’ll be sitting in the couch “remember, homework, tomorrow”, and suddenly I’ll feel angry at myself -I heard you the first time, leave me alone.- I don’t need to be remind every hour what I have to do, I know I have to do it. But that doesn’t stop in obligations and responsibilities, sometimes, like sundays, I’ll plan how and when I’ll text this x person because this y reason. I’ll plan at what time I’ll message them and what will I say in order to achieve my “social” goal. Sometimes it scares me how much I need my days to be in order, I secretly wish people would just follow my routine and stop planning things on the go. As you can tell I’m not much a spontaneous person. I’ll if I could force people to hang out with me in a schedule time holy moly we will make schedules for all with glitter and highlighters, so… here says that this day at this hour every week we will see each others faces do you understand? yes? Good, there will be not changes.

 

My life is kind of like that already, but of course, lifes happens, and that and anxiety will always find a way to make me feel like shit. That isn’t how Murphy law works? Anyways, this is why god doesn’t give me mind control powers.

Trying to be proud of myself

This is a short post, guys. The title is big, but I just need a few words to say what I want to say. I need a break of making posts in here and reading mental health stuff in general. It’s obvious I’m picking this as an obsession, reassurance I think is called. And to be honest I want to stop being that person who screams “look look I have this thing look at me”, I want to give you some tips and real coping mechanisms, something that will help people. I know talking about your pain and experience help people too. But that’s just step number 0.5, knowing you are not alone. Finding community. That’s cool. I needed it too. But now, I need to come back to my interests, my old hobbies, don’t take me wrong, I still love psychology, but… c’mon how much abnormal psychology stuff do I really need to read?

So, I hope you get excited next time when I post something, who knows? Maybe I’ll comeback with something really worthy.

Schedule for tomorrow, working in a coping plan

I read a bunch of articles about the wonders that scheduling your day do to anxiety today, I thought you know… I have nothing to lose let’s give it a try, so here I am trying to set all my activities in different hours, considering eating times and also, knowing it can take longer to achieve each activity than I think. I’m trying to add certain coping rituals through out the day so I can manage my anxiety, also I’m testing the results of each coping mechanism. For tomorrow I’m planning in doing meditation and working with music and smells. So there’s that. I’ll keep this blog update specially in this topic, so if you’re curious keep an eye on your news board.

I’m kind of worry with all the “rituals” thing, I know it’s just a word but yo… I’ve OCD and that’s a strong word for me, so I’ll try to yes, make a routine, but if I see I obsess over it or I get anxiety from not doing the thing I’ll probably stop. Let’s see what happens.

I’m gonna post my schedule for tomorrow in hopes I can success if I post it here. Enjoy seeing my activities. I’m staring with a few for now, maybe after tomorrow I’ll add more so I can get used to it slowly. 

8:00 a.m

WAKE UP TIME:

  • To make sure I feel safe: 
  • Some smell sticks
  • Silent/Music
    • Make the bed

BREAKFAST: (take your meds along breakfast)

  • Around 8:30 a.m, don’t feel pressure with the time. But try to eat early.

9:30/10:00 a.m 

10 MINUTES MEDITATION:

  • Use the new meditation app or YT videos. 10 or 15 minutes will do.

SHOWER/GETTING READY:

  • Prepare your clothes first, as always.
  • Make sure the water is hot and you feel safe (check 8:00 a.m suggestions)
  • —- from 2 to 3 hours —-

12:00/13:00 p.m

EATING (?):

  • If you feel like it.

GERMAN:

  • Place your stuff in the dinner table, pick the music you feel in the mood for. Try to: Study in 15 minutes sets and 5/8 minutes of breaks.

13:00/14:00 p.m

EAT IF YOU DIDN’T BEFORE/FREE TIME UNTIL 16:00 p.m

16:00 to 17:40:

GET READY FOR GOING TO THE MEDITATION PLACE

Try to go to sleep over 22:00 p.m to 23:00 p.m

Reasons to live

This post is inspired by this wonderful person [too polar].

This next week is my last week of vacation, my anxiety it’s striking back with different sort of intrusive thoughts because University is getting close, in conclusion: anxiety is a bitch.

This list have the intention to be a reminder, I want to live:

  1. My dog. He’s the beautiful poodle ever, he’s old and fluffy and he knows when I’m feeling sad because every time I don’t come out of bed he yells until I wake up, and if that doesn’t work he kiss me and push me give his little body.
  2. She. Amazing person, I wish some day I’ll meet her face to face, because if she can rescue me from a really bad day just by talking to me, I can’t imagine what a hug from her must be like.
  3. Writing, drawing, photography, music. Arts are my best friends and nothing else understands me better than music or writing.
  4. Traveling, discover new places. I need to live because this world is full of beautiful places, I love to find that little coffee shop, unique and retro, that’s is hidden in a corner, is special to have the chance to find places like that
  5. Studying languages. I want to speak at least 5 languages, that’s one of my big goals for life.
  6. Watching shows, reading, relaxing. I’m a fan girl, that’s where I belong.
  7. Looking back and realize it have been a long way, but I’m still here somehow.

I feel I can’t perceive people love me

I’ve been seeing a lot mental health videos lately, I’m a passionate member of this community so you know, as someone who is studying management but really really wants to do, in the future, some kind of studying related to psychology, I am, indeed, without question, a passionate mentally ill woman. I’m giving attention specially this days, to Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short, youtube have amazing people talking about it with such a great personalities and talking skills, some of them explain basic and deep questions about how does it feels to have a mental illness with so many mood swings and daily battles. I like OCD videos too, of course, I see myself on them, even if they are talking about obsessive cleaning, we all share the same feeling… “what if…” feeling, that’s it.

But, when you see mentally ill people who are experiencing recovery, they seen to have a more positive way to see life, they are ok with the people around them and they accept the fact that shitty days are coming, and they’ll deal with them with this “magical” coping skills they are developed through out the years.

I’ve a problem when trying to put this in practice. I don’t like my parents, my mom is nº1, she’s always on the top list next to her narcissistic abusive behavior of course, my dad is… a good dad… well he’s what you can expect from someone who was born in the 50’s. He doesn’t believe I’m mentally ill nor I have a problem dealing with my emotions, with at this point I don’t know if what he’s says is offensive or goes along with my own mindset, like I said before a couple of times, I’m not sure if humans have a “problem” if they function different to others individuals but I understand, we live in society, and societies are control freaks, they want to know they can control what you do or at least they want to know what you’re going to do. That’s kinda hard, bob, we ain’t no clue what’s gonna happen tomorrow… mentally ill people are unpredictable. Is that a problem?

I like my friend, the one who I always hang out, and the other one who is getting a little distant but he’s a cool guy to be around too. I like my internet friends. But I’ve a problem with not feeling well-love, what do I mean by this? I feel like I can’t perceive people love me you know?  It’s like that part of my empathy is hella fuck or was damaged in my childhood. That’s why watching BPDs videos sometimes makes me understand I’m not the only one who feels like this, don’t get me wrong, I don’t fit the criteria, but this feeling in particular when you don’t feel love when someone is not directly telling you or this person isn’t in front of you, when you feel like nobody cares for you and you’re lonely, isolated, when everything feels so far from you because you lose the sense of “others” letting you just with your own voice to be with. That feeling. I live with it.

I feel my friends doesn’t like me anymore when it’s been a while since I saw them, and sometimes I’m not sure if my parents loves me either, some days I DO can see it tho… because they do stuff for me, they take me to the doctor, they pick me up if I ask them, but you see… I’m not the type who likes loves through objects-action, like for example, let’s say… someone making you breakfast, that can be a love demonstration for someone right? I like when someone remember what I say, what I like, who I am, what are my fears, who hears me out when I’m feeling down and cheers me up no by saying “do this, do that”, just saying they love me and they’re not going anywhere because I’m having thoughts about jumping out of the window, I like to hear you too… how you feel, what you love… that’s the kind of person I am.

I like when you ask me how I’m doing, and I like when you show me you are a real human being. My parents, they show loves through “action”, clean the dishes… that’s a proof of caring, do a favor to a friend… that’s a demonstration of love. For me, that love is kind of selfish, is about to give and take. It’s a little bit empty isn’t it?

  • I’ll love to have the chance to say them “I’ll give you 50$ if you tell what’s the favorite singer of that friend of yours”, or more juicy “what’s the worst fear of that fella boo you have?”, how many answer do you think I’ll get? None, for sure.

I have this good things and bad things in my life, but fuck… some days I don’t like even the good ones, I hate everything and I get angry with the world, with myself, with all humans (animals are cool, I love animals no matter what). And what upset me the most is to feel I’m not okay with it, is like I want something else but at the same time I don’t know what it is. Funny, I’m a INFP, it’s a classic feeling to feel this way for INFPs… like something is missing. What? What is it? I don’t know. I want to be okay with what I have so when things get harder I’ll hold on to them.

I’ve a problem with that too, I feel like the only one who can solves my problems is myself, so I tend to keep quiet. I don’t know what to ask in order to get better, not to others, the times when I feel better is because of that advice my own mind gave me. Maybe you can call this trust issues. Probably that’s what it is.

I want to be like some people out there who don’t give a fuck is they have a couple of people in their life, I can be like this just for short periods of times before the “what if…” starts and make me question my whole existence. “You don’t have enough friends maybe this means you don’t have any value”, something like that.

I want to be able to embrace my identity and move on to the next level of achievement, goals, freedom, creativity, happiness.

Advice: /in my own voice to make it count lmao/  Happy, thank you, more please.

Less anxiety at night

I just come to realize this couple of days I have less anxiety in the night/early morning, I even feel super happy and chill. I’m trying to understand why this happens. As far as I know, the brain understand night-time as it’s natural time to sleep right? And when you sleep the brain is highly active, what does this mean? I’m not quite sure, since I don’t know enough about the brain to come up with an accurate explanation. I’m not even sure if brains do really understand night-time as their natural time to sleep… but if they do that could mean my brain is extra active at night, and maybe that’s one of the reason my anxiety is so intense, because when I’m in “awake” hours, it doesn’t have as much activity.

Am I making sense?

This is a weird situation because when I don’t have nothing to do and too much stress at night-time, I tend to overthink and have a lot of anxiety, usually because I’ll be trying to fall sleep. A big contradiction I have here.

Is always talk about being anxious at morning but, anyone of you guys have a time of the day when you feel less anxious?

Maladaptive coping skills

(I love Natalie Dormer)

This couple days my coping skills are being total snakes with me, when I need them the most they walk away without looking back even once, fake bitches. Out of my poetic way to put things, a few days ago I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, and I forgot to confirm it the day before, I’ve to do this in order to be on the patient list the actual day of the appointment. So fuck me. I forgot. I called my doctor and she told she have no room for more patients since I didn’t confirm it someone else took my spot. The closer date she have available is in October, I said yes, of course. I didn’t have another option.

After all that, without metion I didn’t get too much sleep the night before because I was 047_tired_cat_gifswatching youtube videos and I was just being nocturnal, by 8:00 a.m when I called her I was already anxious as furr. Meow me, damn paw. At that point I was into a guilt trip, you guys… I felt so guilty for missing their calls, because they call you themselves, they-call-YOU. I speand all day feeling anxious and guilty bringing back old triggers, and doing all the “remember when…” performance. This made me think about how my coping skills are so far from working effectively. Where do you get good ones? I’ll buy them fuck.

All day, feeling like trash because I miss my doctor’s calls. I’m not trying to make look my struggles smaller. I learnt you can’t measure pain. But this looks like something I should had know how to manage it.

I’ve been having a lot bad days tho, maybe it have to do with anxiety just building up, is it too early to have an opinion over this?