OCD: I’m relapsing, toxic mental health content (reassurance seeking)

I feel like losing that meetup I talked about in my last post triggered a compulsion I haven’t done in months. For fuck’s sake this is annoying me, I can feel the anxiety underneath my skin… somewhere hiding behind the connections inside my brain, she wants an excuse to put me down and make me panic about school, about people, about my future. About everything. I don’t want this I’m scared. I want to keep getting better.

I’m on tumblr right now scrolling through my dash and rebloging posts here and there to keep my mind away from intrusive thoughts, but there’s this part of tumblr I can’t go because I know it will make me ill, there’s are certain tags all of them belongs to the mental health community that are really full of bullshit (Ironically I tag some posts on here with those tags). You see, the tumblr’s mental health community is shit and toxic, not entirely of course, some people there use the platform as a way of venting just like some of us do on here… which is totally cool with me but there’s some people who loves the attention “relatable content” give to their blogs, so they put out there really toxic material that… sometimes it makes you throw yourself into the rabbit hole without even noticing, you could be really fine before clicking… and then, after an hour of scrolling you’ll feel like nothing matters anymore. That’s how awful it is.

For example, there’s post mocking about suicidal thoughts, how much they dissociated from themselves, everything in the name of “edgy humor”.

I was obsessed over this side of tumblr last year… somewhere there between july and august, it took me a lot determination to step out of it and understand it was a compulsion. I don’t want to name names, but the PD community, specially the Avoidant Personality Disorder tumblr side is quite triggering, they love to put excuses for everything and, mind you, I’m not the right person to talk about -positivity- and -good vibes- but damn if you don’t root for your own self who is going to? Still don’t see it? How bad can it be, 10000 notes=shares is a scary number if you ask me.

Even if I know this I want to type down into the tumblr’s search bar so badly those tags… I feel this pulling force and the anxiety that comes from not doing it. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I have to admit I did searched on google OCD and social anxiety related websites, to be completely honest I even read a bunch of entries on a Social Anxiety Forum and TheMighty website. I’m guilty of that, but those sources are waaaay healthier than tumblr in any way possible for mental health matters. I need to fucking-stay-away-from-it.

I’m scared of college, like I always am, but I have new things in my life, things that makes me happy. But, I know hard days will be there… I know anxiety will be there, and I’m scared  of everything becoming too much to bare again, I don’t want to relapse into old habits and compulsions.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot racing thoughts before going to sleep and even some days I have so many thoughts collapsing in top of each other that they follow me to the dream world and won’t allow me to rest.

What do you do when you don’t feel strong enough? What do you do when everything feels too rushed?

Fucking assholes

Why in the fucking life people can’t shut the fuck up? TW: THIS IS A RANT

I can’t understand why people can’t just take their own lifes and live them without judging other people and acting like stupid assholes. Dude the way I live is out of your business, you don’t live in this body, you don’t think what I think, you don’t suffer what I do so let me take my own decisions fine? I know what’s best for me. Ok with that being said… this is the story. Today someone who don’t even know me tried to push me to smoke some shit I didn’t want to smoke, and me, a person who really have a hard time rejecting people couldn’t tell him to stop with enough determination for him to shut the fuck up and leave me a lone. You may think when psychology defines social anxiety as the fear to be rejected as a exaggeration. Is not. Believe me, we have a hard time telling people they are being assholes.

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This happened with a persistence of 2 motherfucking hours. He was pushing and pushing, I was saying no and no, over and over. I don’t understand how someone find that funny. When I told my dad a few hours ago he said I should had say him to stop and even leave the place, but I wasn’t able to do that because I felt like that guy will feel like I was being rude, I was scared he will judge me… even tho it was obvious I was uncomfortable and I wanted to leave.

I’m 19 years old, and for some, this can sound like a short time in this earth, but you’ll suppose at this age I’ll be capable to walk away from a situation I don’t feel okay with.

tumblr_inline_n9903cp2s81rr7q1yThe thing is I’m not even anxious about this I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I wish I had the power to glue people’s mouth so they shut the fuck up for once.

The only good thing is I never said yes. So he can go to suck Donald Trump’s wee wee.

 

Versatile Blogger Award… how?

versatile

Is been a while since a posted and I know this beautiful lady JustAnIndianGirl nominated me like years ago, but this past weeks have been like a roller coaster, up and down like you don’t imagine. But let’s not focus on that, because this is my first award I ever won on this blog and looks like I have other one somewhere waiting for me. I’ll post about it very soon.

I’m not sure if the title fits me well, do you guys think I’m versatile? That’s a major compliment and I can’t really express how awesome that is!

Here are the rules for this award:

  • Share the award in your blog!
  • Have fun.
  • Feel proud to be a versatile and awesome.
  • Share 7 or more ramrod facts about you

Here we go:

  1. I’m a Capricorn and I believe deeply in signs and spiritual things.
  2. I’ve a dog, his 11 years old and is a poodle, his name is Angel but Angel in spanish, is nothing like Eeeengel Aingel, ÀNgel that’s how it sounds.
  3. I’m latina but sure I look white as fuck.
  4. People call me for my second name, but I always struggle to explain this to teachers since they call you for the name that figures in the students list.
  5. I love to eat coffee and cookies and mix them together to make like a delicious kind of pudding, is heaven.
  6. I believe in aliens and even tho I love science and facts, I’m trash for Anciest Aliens History Channel Show.
  7. I’m asexual, which means I don’t experience sexual attraction towards other people.

And that’s  it, I hope you enjoy it.

Now I’ll nominate the blogs I read all the time, that made me laugh and have fun:

thewishingwell: Amazing blogger, positive, her writing inspires you to look inside yourself and feel like there’s some light. I recommend this blog 100%, you’ll find a good laugh and actually good advices about how deal with this life, that we should call fight, since we’re always fighting on this earth.

mentaltruths: I know this girl for quite a while now and to be honest I always get excited when I see she posted something new. You’ll crack yourself reading her work, she’s raw and interesting, but overall she’s real. I’m really glad we met and we have the chance to shares thoughts and experiences.

recoverytowellness: A warrior princess, a passionate activist and… she have ocd? And I say this as a compliment because she had make me realize so many times I’m not ready to give up, that there are things I still want to do. Thank you for that Raquel.

toopolar: This blog is a venting space for someone I know is struggling, besides that I don’t find this a reason to not put him in this lists. We, the people who have hard times to stand up again, deserves to express ourselves in any way possible and with that, make others feel less alone.

 

 

A good week vs. a bad day, the anxiety version

I know, guys, I know… I said I’ll write when I have something positive to say but right now, in this very moment all I need is to vent. I need to say my demons names and call them out for what they are. You. Assholes. Get out of my temple for the holy power of god. I’m not kidding in any way, I want to let that clear. Today was one of those days that life is fine, you know? Morning didn’t come with a long dose of anxiety, you got dressed, made your homework, read your emails… everything is good, so you go by with life like the naive little punk you are, and then… something little or big happen and everything goes to hell.

I had math at the first hour, but before that I had to go to a class group at around 12:00m, apparently my teacher likes the concept of study groups, team work, help buddies and all that jazz, and not having enough with that, he gave it a percentage of the course’s grades, so I have to do it, like it or not. There’s five of us in that study group, but for my bad luck or good I don’t even know, we were just two studying for today’s assignment, and I’m not getting a star for “good at leading conversations” if you know what I mean, and apparently this girl knew everything but what I can do talk about. I can’t complain tho because she helped me with my homework, and besides I hate team work she explained me some things that I didn’t understand, -AND guys, listen, you gotta get help with that math hell, never ever ever say no if the life is offering you help with mathematics.

That was that.

I took my math class and all was good, this teacher is crazy but he knows how to teach, I have to give him that. Later, I went to Statistics, I know three people in there I spent the class with… I had say this before but as you know I love to repeat myself, I’m the introvert-ongoing-doesn’t know how to keep relationships-with hella social anxiety-good sense of humor-who can make people laugh-but it’s sure everyone hates me-tends to isolates herself… that’s me. I’m worst that Nostradamus predictions, with all that going on at the same time.

Statistics was good, I understood the class and I felt fine in there, actually I thought I had enough energy to go and “say hi” to my “friends” in University, you know what those “” mean right?

So, I met a friend in campus and we talked a little, then… the bad shit started to happen, people I didn’t know joined us and started talking and shit, later more people came, people I knew even but I was anxious already so I barely was keeping the “I’m dealing fine” face. I was controlling the situation tho, I forced myself to stay, I wanted to talk and spend time with people after all. But what really made me upset was a friend of mine, who is also the guy I kinda rejected last semester, I think I wrote about him here before, he said jokingly “I bet she lowkey hates us and everytime she sees us she fakes she likes us”, in my head right now he can go to suck dick, but in that moment I felt really bad because as a social anxious person that’s the impression we really hate the most to give people. That’s bullshit. I don’t know where all that shit came from. And damn, on paper looks more horrible than it was. I don’t know if I’m too sensitive. Forget that, I am, it’s obvious. I know one thing, my “”””friends””” are mostly boys, I don’t know the motive of this to be complete honest, but they are, and they treat themselves with this harsh sense of humor, but to be the subject of their jokes is completely different.

And on top of that, I went to the subway with one of this guyfriends, and oh no, guess what? He wasn’t leading the conversation either, instead of that he let the talk to me, TO ME, HOW FUCKING DARE HIM?, and I was worry half of the time for “am I doing too much eye contact?” and the other half “is this joke even funny?”, I made him laugh twice… but I still feel like I fail, I can’t handle socialization. And I was there like 1 hour… help me god.

When I got to my station I felt like crying, I was so fed up. My energy was -5%. My anxiety was “gimme that ativan bitch”%.

Thank god the body anxi things are gone by now, but this is not making motivated for tomorrow.

I’m gonna watch a movie and see what happens.

 

Trying to be proud of myself

This is a short post, guys. The title is big, but I just need a few words to say what I want to say. I need a break of making posts in here and reading mental health stuff in general. It’s obvious I’m picking this as an obsession, reassurance I think is called. And to be honest I want to stop being that person who screams “look look I have this thing look at me”, I want to give you some tips and real coping mechanisms, something that will help people. I know talking about your pain and experience help people too. But that’s just step number 0.5, knowing you are not alone. Finding community. That’s cool. I needed it too. But now, I need to come back to my interests, my old hobbies, don’t take me wrong, I still love psychology, but… c’mon how much abnormal psychology stuff do I really need to read?

So, I hope you get excited next time when I post something, who knows? Maybe I’ll comeback with something really worthy.

Social anxiety things

Tomorrow I start Uni again so my social anxiety is kicking in with troublesome thoughts I can hardly control. I’m pretty sure I’m obsessing over some of them, but I’m working on let the anxiety kick in and settle instead of fighting against it, which just makes me twice exhausted.

I have to be honest with you guys, I’ve been avoiding talking with my university “friends”, is you read my posts frequently you noticed by now I always use “” to refers this friends, and as I said before, the reason why I do this is because I’ve trouble believing they are really my friends, no because they aren’t, because I suck at trusting people in general. Also there’s the fact they don’t know I’m mentally ill so they trigger my anxiety by asking “why can you stay another mother fucker hour in campus?” every time I want to leave home to take a nap.

I thought it can help someone out there struggling with social anxiety to read my daily struggles to feel less alone. More the one time it I saved my sanity when reading someone else feels the same way I do. “So… I’m not going mental… good to know, good to know.”

Yesterday (more like today because it was at 3:00 a.m) before going to sleep I had an anxiety attack, I sat down and tried to think what was bothering me, because I wanted to know if I can give some perspective to my own thinking. Believe or not, anxiety can kick in without you, consciously, understanding the thoughts, you have them they are there somewhere in the void, but you don’t know they are… I wanted to understand. First thing that came to my mind, flashbacks when I was alone waiting for class to start, for some reason this is gasoline for my social anxiety, maybe is the fact I have this sensation other people know I’m by myself in this class so I’m afraid of what they might think. Second place goes to this cycling I fall for when I’m under too much stress: Avoiding responsibilities. I have this problem, when I can’t deal with my anxiety + stress from university work I avoid it, I just open my computer and hours pass until my work is all pilled up in front of my eyes and I can’t do anything about it.

I afraid of my friends asking me why I didn’t answer their text, even tho I had already think the perfect lie for this, I know it makes me look bad me… here… saying I’m gonna lie to them, but I will because I need to protect myself. Even tho, I want to work out in some goals:

  1. Trying to spend more time with them in Uni.
  2. At least hang out with them one time outside of Uni.
  3. Post a instagram picture one time every 15 days (psychiatrist homework ugh)
  4. Schedule my time in order to study better.
  5. Pass all my courses.
  6. And as my new tumblr title says: I’m gonna let that positivity come inside. I’m not a positive person, actually, god knows I love that negative vibe… always thinking about the worse scenario. But I’m gonna try to reach out more positive content, maybe like that… some of it will stick with me.

So there you have it, my friends, this is a human being honest with you, I’m not perfect but I want to be better, I’ll get there slowly, I’m not saying this year and the next I’m gonna change 360º but I want to achieve at least three of this goals. I’m a little bit tired of doing the same things over and over, and I’m sure it’s gonna hurt as hell… you’ll be witnesses of my journey, I’m gonna try to fight, there’s no more options.

Donald Trump memes are the cure for anxiety

HILARY LITERALLY CLEANED THE FLOOR WITH HIS ORANGE FACE.

I’m not a fan of Hilary but damn, sir, she went in there with that look in her eyes “you ain’t ready for this sips tea“. Have you ever saw someone so calm while throwing the dirty laundry to a person’s face? Let’s be real, I gotta give her a clap.

But the best part is all this memes flowing around tumblr, they make my life more easy to be honest. My favorite one so far is this one with Hilary looking at the camera like in the office.

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In other news, I tried yesterday to go to sleep at a decent time. Total fail. Reasons why, first, because I feel less anxiety at night time, second, because I got distracted watching youtube videos cofcofas always… what is life? what is will-power? I need to have at least 8 hours of sleep to not feel tired the next day so I had to change my wake-up time, 4 hours wasted. This morning I felt anxious from the moment I opened my eyes, I had to really really kick my butt out of the bed, thank god my mom did food because I wasn’t feeling like cooking. Listen to me, don’t cook when you feel sad, angry or anxious, I don’t know if you believe in this, but… You are what you eat, better be careful. So if you’re going to cook make yourself comfortable and try to calm down first.

I tried this time to prepare my clothes the night before, it does helps, my brain feels like it have something less to think about. I recommend to do this if you are all over the place at mornings, like me.

Later on I decided I wasn’t well enough to take a bus and be out by myself, so I changed my plans to go to get my nails done to dye my hair instead. So I bought the dye kit and went to the hair salon near to my house, that way is more cheaper, gotta help myself out . OH and I bought the cutest nails stickers at the pharmacy, it have bears and cute flowers on the pattern.

I still have a couple things to do, I’ve to do my 10 minutes meditation for the day and maybe watch a german movie. Goodnight guys~

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Relaxing techniques update 2609

As I said in my last post I’m trying new ways to cope with my anxiety and I’ll be updating you guys with my experiences on this techniques.

  1. I tried this past two days an app called headspaceis based in psychological concept know as mindfulness if you want to know more about this check their website they have a cute video explaining it all with music and a dorky animation, but… sadly, it just have a 10 days free trial program which really sucks, I’m not sure if you can unblock after that free activities or you can at least heard again the guided meditation’s program, I’ll let you know when I finish the trial. In my opinion, this is a great app to just sit down and relax meanwhile you hear the wonderful British accent of the guide. It makes you feel aware of your body and hear your thoughts in a safe space instead of rejecting them, at first it give you a little bit of anxiety, for someone like me who avoids to think or let the mind go free by itself because it usually gets too crazy or triggering for my weak stomach, it’s a really good experience.
  2. I want to recommend a Spotify playlist, it’s under the concentration mood’s category, you can find it as chill out brain. It did wonders for me today when I was studying german.
  3. About the smell sticks, it’s still a work in process, I’m trying to make my brain relate the smell sticks with a safe environment. I haven’t talk about this yet, but I’ve a irrational fear with getting inside the shower, no because of getting a shower itself but because I feel something wrong will happen to me while I’m getting the shower, so it’s an anxiety trip everyday when I take a bath. I use smell sticks and calm music to relax myself before going for it, I did the same thing today when I was making breakfast, since I have a lot of anxiety in the morning as well. It did help, the smell makes my chest to get a little lighter, so I’ll keep doing it.

Schedule for tomorrow, working in a coping plan

I read a bunch of articles about the wonders that scheduling your day do to anxiety today, I thought you know… I have nothing to lose let’s give it a try, so here I am trying to set all my activities in different hours, considering eating times and also, knowing it can take longer to achieve each activity than I think. I’m trying to add certain coping rituals through out the day so I can manage my anxiety, also I’m testing the results of each coping mechanism. For tomorrow I’m planning in doing meditation and working with music and smells. So there’s that. I’ll keep this blog update specially in this topic, so if you’re curious keep an eye on your news board.

I’m kind of worry with all the “rituals” thing, I know it’s just a word but yo… I’ve OCD and that’s a strong word for me, so I’ll try to yes, make a routine, but if I see I obsess over it or I get anxiety from not doing the thing I’ll probably stop. Let’s see what happens.

I’m gonna post my schedule for tomorrow in hopes I can success if I post it here. Enjoy seeing my activities. I’m staring with a few for now, maybe after tomorrow I’ll add more so I can get used to it slowly. 

8:00 a.m

WAKE UP TIME:

  • To make sure I feel safe: 
  • Some smell sticks
  • Silent/Music
    • Make the bed

BREAKFAST: (take your meds along breakfast)

  • Around 8:30 a.m, don’t feel pressure with the time. But try to eat early.

9:30/10:00 a.m 

10 MINUTES MEDITATION:

  • Use the new meditation app or YT videos. 10 or 15 minutes will do.

SHOWER/GETTING READY:

  • Prepare your clothes first, as always.
  • Make sure the water is hot and you feel safe (check 8:00 a.m suggestions)
  • —- from 2 to 3 hours —-

12:00/13:00 p.m

EATING (?):

  • If you feel like it.

GERMAN:

  • Place your stuff in the dinner table, pick the music you feel in the mood for. Try to: Study in 15 minutes sets and 5/8 minutes of breaks.

13:00/14:00 p.m

EAT IF YOU DIDN’T BEFORE/FREE TIME UNTIL 16:00 p.m

16:00 to 17:40:

GET READY FOR GOING TO THE MEDITATION PLACE

Try to go to sleep over 22:00 p.m to 23:00 p.m

Reasons to live

This post is inspired by this wonderful person [too polar].

This next week is my last week of vacation, my anxiety it’s striking back with different sort of intrusive thoughts because University is getting close, in conclusion: anxiety is a bitch.

This list have the intention to be a reminder, I want to live:

  1. My dog. He’s the beautiful poodle ever, he’s old and fluffy and he knows when I’m feeling sad because every time I don’t come out of bed he yells until I wake up, and if that doesn’t work he kiss me and push me give his little body.
  2. She. Amazing person, I wish some day I’ll meet her face to face, because if she can rescue me from a really bad day just by talking to me, I can’t imagine what a hug from her must be like.
  3. Writing, drawing, photography, music. Arts are my best friends and nothing else understands me better than music or writing.
  4. Traveling, discover new places. I need to live because this world is full of beautiful places, I love to find that little coffee shop, unique and retro, that’s is hidden in a corner, is special to have the chance to find places like that
  5. Studying languages. I want to speak at least 5 languages, that’s one of my big goals for life.
  6. Watching shows, reading, relaxing. I’m a fan girl, that’s where I belong.
  7. Looking back and realize it have been a long way, but I’m still here somehow.