A good week vs. a bad day, the anxiety version

I know, guys, I know… I said I’ll write when I have something positive to say but right now, in this very moment all I need is to vent. I need to say my demons names and call them out for what they are. You. Assholes. Get out of my temple for the holy power of god. I’m not kidding in any way, I want to let that clear. Today was one of those days that life is fine, you know? Morning didn’t come with a long dose of anxiety, you got dressed, made your homework, read your emails… everything is good, so you go by with life like the naive little punk you are, and then… something little or big happen and everything goes to hell.

I had math at the first hour, but before that I had to go to a class group at around 12:00m, apparently my teacher likes the concept of study groups, team work, help buddies and all that jazz, and not having enough with that, he gave it a percentage of the course’s grades, so I have to do it, like it or not. There’s five of us in that study group, but for my bad luck or good I don’t even know, we were just two studying for today’s assignment, and I’m not getting a star for “good at leading conversations” if you know what I mean, and apparently this girl knew everything but what I can do talk about. I can’t complain tho because she helped me with my homework, and besides I hate team work she explained me some things that I didn’t understand, -AND guys, listen, you gotta get help with that math hell, never ever ever say no if the life is offering you help with mathematics.

That was that.

I took my math class and all was good, this teacher is crazy but he knows how to teach, I have to give him that. Later, I went to Statistics, I know three people in there I spent the class with… I had say this before but as you know I love to repeat myself, I’m the introvert-ongoing-doesn’t know how to keep relationships-with hella social anxiety-good sense of humor-who can make people laugh-but it’s sure everyone hates me-tends to isolates herself… that’s me. I’m worst that Nostradamus predictions, with all that going on at the same time.

Statistics was good, I understood the class and I felt fine in there, actually I thought I had enough energy to go and “say hi” to my “friends” in University, you know what those “” mean right?

So, I met a friend in campus and we talked a little, then… the bad shit started to happen, people I didn’t know joined us and started talking and shit, later more people came, people I knew even but I was anxious already so I barely was keeping the “I’m dealing fine” face. I was controlling the situation tho, I forced myself to stay, I wanted to talk and spend time with people after all. But what really made me upset was a friend of mine, who is also the guy I kinda rejected last semester, I think I wrote about him here before, he said jokingly “I bet she lowkey hates us and everytime she sees us she fakes she likes us”, in my head right now he can go to suck dick, but in that moment I felt really bad because as a social anxious person that’s the impression we really hate the most to give people. That’s bullshit. I don’t know where all that shit came from. And damn, on paper looks more horrible than it was. I don’t know if I’m too sensitive. Forget that, I am, it’s obvious. I know one thing, my “”””friends””” are mostly boys, I don’t know the motive of this to be complete honest, but they are, and they treat themselves with this harsh sense of humor, but to be the subject of their jokes is completely different.

And on top of that, I went to the subway with one of this guyfriends, and oh no, guess what? He wasn’t leading the conversation either, instead of that he let the talk to me, TO ME, HOW FUCKING DARE HIM?, and I was worry half of the time for “am I doing too much eye contact?” and the other half “is this joke even funny?”, I made him laugh twice… but I still feel like I fail, I can’t handle socialization. And I was there like 1 hour… help me god.

When I got to my station I felt like crying, I was so fed up. My energy was -5%. My anxiety was “gimme that ativan bitch”%.

Thank god the body anxi things are gone by now, but this is not making motivated for tomorrow.

I’m gonna watch a movie and see what happens.

 

I feel I can’t perceive people love me

I’ve been seeing a lot mental health videos lately, I’m a passionate member of this community so you know, as someone who is studying management but really really wants to do, in the future, some kind of studying related to psychology, I am, indeed, without question, a passionate mentally ill woman. I’m giving attention specially this days, to Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short, youtube have amazing people talking about it with such a great personalities and talking skills, some of them explain basic and deep questions about how does it feels to have a mental illness with so many mood swings and daily battles. I like OCD videos too, of course, I see myself on them, even if they are talking about obsessive cleaning, we all share the same feeling… “what if…” feeling, that’s it.

But, when you see mentally ill people who are experiencing recovery, they seen to have a more positive way to see life, they are ok with the people around them and they accept the fact that shitty days are coming, and they’ll deal with them with this “magical” coping skills they are developed through out the years.

I’ve a problem when trying to put this in practice. I don’t like my parents, my mom is nº1, she’s always on the top list next to her narcissistic abusive behavior of course, my dad is… a good dad… well he’s what you can expect from someone who was born in the 50’s. He doesn’t believe I’m mentally ill nor I have a problem dealing with my emotions, with at this point I don’t know if what he’s says is offensive or goes along with my own mindset, like I said before a couple of times, I’m not sure if humans have a “problem” if they function different to others individuals but I understand, we live in society, and societies are control freaks, they want to know they can control what you do or at least they want to know what you’re going to do. That’s kinda hard, bob, we ain’t no clue what’s gonna happen tomorrow… mentally ill people are unpredictable. Is that a problem?

I like my friend, the one who I always hang out, and the other one who is getting a little distant but he’s a cool guy to be around too. I like my internet friends. But I’ve a problem with not feeling well-love, what do I mean by this? I feel like I can’t perceive people love me you know?  It’s like that part of my empathy is hella fuck or was damaged in my childhood. That’s why watching BPDs videos sometimes makes me understand I’m not the only one who feels like this, don’t get me wrong, I don’t fit the criteria, but this feeling in particular when you don’t feel love when someone is not directly telling you or this person isn’t in front of you, when you feel like nobody cares for you and you’re lonely, isolated, when everything feels so far from you because you lose the sense of “others” letting you just with your own voice to be with. That feeling. I live with it.

I feel my friends doesn’t like me anymore when it’s been a while since I saw them, and sometimes I’m not sure if my parents loves me either, some days I DO can see it tho… because they do stuff for me, they take me to the doctor, they pick me up if I ask them, but you see… I’m not the type who likes loves through objects-action, like for example, let’s say… someone making you breakfast, that can be a love demonstration for someone right? I like when someone remember what I say, what I like, who I am, what are my fears, who hears me out when I’m feeling down and cheers me up no by saying “do this, do that”, just saying they love me and they’re not going anywhere because I’m having thoughts about jumping out of the window, I like to hear you too… how you feel, what you love… that’s the kind of person I am.

I like when you ask me how I’m doing, and I like when you show me you are a real human being. My parents, they show loves through “action”, clean the dishes… that’s a proof of caring, do a favor to a friend… that’s a demonstration of love. For me, that love is kind of selfish, is about to give and take. It’s a little bit empty isn’t it?

  • I’ll love to have the chance to say them “I’ll give you 50$ if you tell what’s the favorite singer of that friend of yours”, or more juicy “what’s the worst fear of that fella boo you have?”, how many answer do you think I’ll get? None, for sure.

I have this good things and bad things in my life, but fuck… some days I don’t like even the good ones, I hate everything and I get angry with the world, with myself, with all humans (animals are cool, I love animals no matter what). And what upset me the most is to feel I’m not okay with it, is like I want something else but at the same time I don’t know what it is. Funny, I’m a INFP, it’s a classic feeling to feel this way for INFPs… like something is missing. What? What is it? I don’t know. I want to be okay with what I have so when things get harder I’ll hold on to them.

I’ve a problem with that too, I feel like the only one who can solves my problems is myself, so I tend to keep quiet. I don’t know what to ask in order to get better, not to others, the times when I feel better is because of that advice my own mind gave me. Maybe you can call this trust issues. Probably that’s what it is.

I want to be like some people out there who don’t give a fuck is they have a couple of people in their life, I can be like this just for short periods of times before the “what if…” starts and make me question my whole existence. “You don’t have enough friends maybe this means you don’t have any value”, something like that.

I want to be able to embrace my identity and move on to the next level of achievement, goals, freedom, creativity, happiness.

Advice: /in my own voice to make it count lmao/  Happy, thank you, more please.