OCD: I’m relapsing, toxic mental health content (reassurance seeking)

I feel like losing that meetup I talked about in my last post triggered a compulsion I haven’t done in months. For fuck’s sake this is annoying me, I can feel the anxiety underneath my skin… somewhere hiding behind the connections inside my brain, she wants an excuse to put me down and make me panic about school, about people, about my future. About everything. I don’t want this I’m scared. I want to keep getting better.

I’m on tumblr right now scrolling through my dash and rebloging posts here and there to keep my mind away from intrusive thoughts, but there’s this part of tumblr I can’t go because I know it will make me ill, there’s are certain tags all of them belongs to the mental health community that are really full of bullshit (Ironically I tag some posts on here with those tags). You see, the tumblr’s mental health community is shit and toxic, not entirely of course, some people there use the platform as a way of venting just like some of us do on here… which is totally cool with me but there’s some people who loves the attention “relatable content” give to their blogs, so they put out there really toxic material that… sometimes it makes you throw yourself into the rabbit hole without even noticing, you could be really fine before clicking… and then, after an hour of scrolling you’ll feel like nothing matters anymore. That’s how awful it is.

For example, there’s post mocking about suicidal thoughts, how much they dissociated from themselves, everything in the name of “edgy humor”.

I was obsessed over this side of tumblr last year… somewhere there between july and august, it took me a lot determination to step out of it and understand it was a compulsion. I don’t want to name names, but the PD community, specially the Avoidant Personality Disorder tumblr side is quite triggering, they love to put excuses for everything and, mind you, I’m not the right person to talk about -positivity- and -good vibes- but damn if you don’t root for your own self who is going to? Still don’t see it? How bad can it be, 10000 notes=shares is a scary number if you ask me.

Even if I know this I want to type down into the tumblr’s search bar so badly those tags… I feel this pulling force and the anxiety that comes from not doing it. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I have to admit I did searched on google OCD and social anxiety related websites, to be completely honest I even read a bunch of entries on a Social Anxiety Forum and TheMighty website. I’m guilty of that, but those sources are waaaay healthier than tumblr in any way possible for mental health matters. I need to fucking-stay-away-from-it.

I’m scared of college, like I always am, but I have new things in my life, things that makes me happy. But, I know hard days will be there… I know anxiety will be there, and I’m scared  of everything becoming too much to bare again, I don’t want to relapse into old habits and compulsions.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot racing thoughts before going to sleep and even some days I have so many thoughts collapsing in top of each other that they follow me to the dream world and won’t allow me to rest.

What do you do when you don’t feel strong enough? What do you do when everything feels too rushed?

Failing courses, college and having anxiety

I’m having a shitty day, guys, I did my courses inscription today for next semester and I figured out I failed a course I was pretty sure I did well, at least fair enough to pass it. This have everything to do with my anxiety when the semester is ending, I’m not able to check my grades because I feel so overwhelmed and tired by the end of it either I want to die or just go to sleep all summer/spring nonstop, I know it’s crazy but I can’t, I get panick attacks just for trying, so I trust my own calculation over my grades to know if I made it or not, I fucked up this time obviously. I rather have my shit straight before staring a new semester but this time I fucked up. This was my second time taking the course, do you understand how frustratig this is? I guess this will be my third try. I hope it’s true what they say “third is a charm”. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why university have to be so fucking stressful?

I want to say so badly, so-fucking-badly, I’m the shittiest person in the world, that I don’t do shit and I don’t deserve to feel how I feel and I’m a weak stupid bitch who just can’t do anything, that I don’t deserve to have an amazing sister who pays me college, that I deserve my shitty ass mom because I most have so much karma over my shoulders this is where I ended up. I want to, I’m doing it right now, this thoughts invade my brain when I look away from my monitor just a few seconds so I’m not distracted anymore. So there’s nothing but my own voice to hear.

But I know, and this is fucking me up so badly, to even write it feels fake. My OCD, social anxiety and GAD have a lot to do with me not doing 100% fine at college. You know why? Because I’m so busy trying to not lose my shit, to not go insane, I don’t study enough, and definily being a slave of avoiding compultions, trying to fight them, tyring to speand more time with people because that’s what I’m supossed to do right? Trying to calm myself before someone said something racist, homophobic or stupid in general, because I hate hearing ignorant comments, because yes I’m highly sensitive and I just want to run and cry somewhere when no ones can sees me or I become a zombie deattached from her feelings after someone ask me ignorant bullshit. Trying to not feel like shit because I’m not enjoying people’s company when I should be, because I don’t find interesting or fun how they think, are, say… but I have to stay there to not being a lonely huge red point to other people, because my social anxiety tells me everyone knows when I’m lonely and they’re probably talking shit about me. I have to worry about people’s intentions everytime they say something because I can’t trust them, because I don’t want them to hurt me. Loud noises, doing stuff by myself, group projects, and so on and on…

What do I do? What can I do?

At first I felt the anxiety coming from inside, in the middle of my chest, oh boy, this was that anxiety which eats you slowly, touch you from the inside like heat iron to break it way through outside. Pain, pain, pain. 

I took my pills and it helped me. I felt better.

Now I don’t feel much, I’m probably travelling on dissociation airlines at this moment, what a gift, but when I stop doing something that requires my attention I start having intrussive thoughts, about failing, about being lazy and not deserving nothing. I realized I can’t do nothing but keep going, that wasn’t an actually epiphany, that’s just how it is. I don’t know if college is for me, guys, but I can’t quit, my parents won’t let me do it. I don’t know anymore if they are my guardian angels who keep me going or just they don’t understand.

I need a degree, because I want to work on a company someday maybe at the marketing department. Why isn’t enough to want to do something to do it? Why isn’t enough to have goals? I started to have goals just this years, it was progress, but it bring more pain too. I think I might do better if I move out of this country and stay away from my mom, because to be honest, college and everything it’s in there gives me a lot pain, but the root of everything comes somewhere closer to home. I don’t know how to keep myself together with so much shit going on. The stress level in my environtment is a bitch. Dude I’m making excuses, my brain is literally shouting this right now.

I feel sleepy and tired, but I know if I go to sleep I’ll wake up with my anxiety making me curl up of pain, god is so painful, my whole body hurts, I can’t breathe, I can’t focus, I don’t want to eat, why is so painful? Why god created such a thing? I broke my foot in elementary school and it wasn’t nearly as painful as having a panick attack. I want to think I’m getting better at dealing with this, maybe I am, but I’m scared if I dare to even blink it will hit me twice harder.