I feel like losing that meetup I talked about in my last post triggered a compulsion I haven’t done in months. For fuck’s sake this is annoying me, I can feel the anxiety underneath my skin… somewhere hiding behind the connections inside my brain, she wants an excuse to put me down and make me panic about school, about people, about my future. About everything. I don’t want this I’m scared. I want to keep getting better.
I’m on tumblr right now scrolling through my dash and rebloging posts here and there to keep my mind away from intrusive thoughts, but there’s this part of tumblr I can’t go because I know it will make me ill, there’s are certain tags all of them belongs to the mental health community that are really full of bullshit (Ironically I tag some posts on here with those tags). You see, the tumblr’s mental health community is shit and toxic, not entirely of course, some people there use the platform as a way of venting just like some of us do on here… which is totally cool with me but there’s some people who loves the attention “relatable content” give to their blogs, so they put out there really toxic material that… sometimes it makes you throw yourself into the rabbit hole without even noticing, you could be really fine before clicking… and then, after an hour of scrolling you’ll feel like nothing matters anymore. That’s how awful it is.
For example, there’s post mocking about suicidal thoughts, how much they dissociated from themselves, everything in the name of “edgy humor”.
I was obsessed over this side of tumblr last year… somewhere there between july and august, it took me a lot determination to step out of it and understand it was a compulsion. I don’t want to name names, but the PD community, specially the Avoidant Personality Disorder tumblr side is quite triggering, they love to put excuses for everything and, mind you, I’m not the right person to talk about -positivity- and -good vibes- but damn if you don’t root for your own self who is going to? Still don’t see it? How bad can it be, 10000 notes=shares is a scary number if you ask me.
Even if I know this I want to type down into the tumblr’s search bar so badly those tags… I feel this pulling force and the anxiety that comes from not doing it. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I have to admit I did searched on google OCD and social anxiety related websites, to be completely honest I even read a bunch of entries on a Social Anxiety Forum and TheMighty website. I’m guilty of that, but those sources are waaaay healthier than tumblr in any way possible for mental health matters. I need to fucking-stay-away-from-it.
I’m scared of college, like I always am, but I have new things in my life, things that makes me happy. But, I know hard days will be there… I know anxiety will be there, and I’m scared of everything becoming too much to bare again, I don’t want to relapse into old habits and compulsions.
Lately, I’ve been having a lot racing thoughts before going to sleep and even some days I have so many thoughts collapsing in top of each other that they follow me to the dream world and won’t allow me to rest.
What do you do when you don’t feel strong enough? What do you do when everything feels too rushed?