Trying to be proud of myself

This is a short post, guys. The title is big, but I just need a few words to say what I want to say. I need a break of making posts in here and reading mental health stuff in general. It’s obvious I’m picking this as an obsession, reassurance I think is called. And to be honest I want to stop being that person who screams “look look I have this thing look at me”, I want to give you some tips and real coping mechanisms, something that will help people. I know talking about your pain and experience help people too. But that’s just step number 0.5, knowing you are not alone. Finding community. That’s cool. I needed it too. But now, I need to come back to my interests, my old hobbies, don’t take me wrong, I still love psychology, but… c’mon how much abnormal psychology stuff do I really need to read?

So, I hope you get excited next time when I post something, who knows? Maybe I’ll comeback with something really worthy.

I feel I can’t perceive people love me

I’ve been seeing a lot mental health videos lately, I’m a passionate member of this community so you know, as someone who is studying management but really really wants to do, in the future, some kind of studying related to psychology, I am, indeed, without question, a passionate mentally ill woman. I’m giving attention specially this days, to Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short, youtube have amazing people talking about it with such a great personalities and talking skills, some of them explain basic and deep questions about how does it feels to have a mental illness with so many mood swings and daily battles. I like OCD videos too, of course, I see myself on them, even if they are talking about obsessive cleaning, we all share the same feeling… “what if…” feeling, that’s it.

But, when you see mentally ill people who are experiencing recovery, they seen to have a more positive way to see life, they are ok with the people around them and they accept the fact that shitty days are coming, and they’ll deal with them with this “magical” coping skills they are developed through out the years.

I’ve a problem when trying to put this in practice. I don’t like my parents, my mom is nº1, she’s always on the top list next to her narcissistic abusive behavior of course, my dad is… a good dad… well he’s what you can expect from someone who was born in the 50’s. He doesn’t believe I’m mentally ill nor I have a problem dealing with my emotions, with at this point I don’t know if what he’s says is offensive or goes along with my own mindset, like I said before a couple of times, I’m not sure if humans have a “problem” if they function different to others individuals but I understand, we live in society, and societies are control freaks, they want to know they can control what you do or at least they want to know what you’re going to do. That’s kinda hard, bob, we ain’t no clue what’s gonna happen tomorrow… mentally ill people are unpredictable. Is that a problem?

I like my friend, the one who I always hang out, and the other one who is getting a little distant but he’s a cool guy to be around too. I like my internet friends. But I’ve a problem with not feeling well-love, what do I mean by this? I feel like I can’t perceive people love me you know?  It’s like that part of my empathy is hella fuck or was damaged in my childhood. That’s why watching BPDs videos sometimes makes me understand I’m not the only one who feels like this, don’t get me wrong, I don’t fit the criteria, but this feeling in particular when you don’t feel love when someone is not directly telling you or this person isn’t in front of you, when you feel like nobody cares for you and you’re lonely, isolated, when everything feels so far from you because you lose the sense of “others” letting you just with your own voice to be with. That feeling. I live with it.

I feel my friends doesn’t like me anymore when it’s been a while since I saw them, and sometimes I’m not sure if my parents loves me either, some days I DO can see it tho… because they do stuff for me, they take me to the doctor, they pick me up if I ask them, but you see… I’m not the type who likes loves through objects-action, like for example, let’s say… someone making you breakfast, that can be a love demonstration for someone right? I like when someone remember what I say, what I like, who I am, what are my fears, who hears me out when I’m feeling down and cheers me up no by saying “do this, do that”, just saying they love me and they’re not going anywhere because I’m having thoughts about jumping out of the window, I like to hear you too… how you feel, what you love… that’s the kind of person I am.

I like when you ask me how I’m doing, and I like when you show me you are a real human being. My parents, they show loves through “action”, clean the dishes… that’s a proof of caring, do a favor to a friend… that’s a demonstration of love. For me, that love is kind of selfish, is about to give and take. It’s a little bit empty isn’t it?

  • I’ll love to have the chance to say them “I’ll give you 50$ if you tell what’s the favorite singer of that friend of yours”, or more juicy “what’s the worst fear of that fella boo you have?”, how many answer do you think I’ll get? None, for sure.

I have this good things and bad things in my life, but fuck… some days I don’t like even the good ones, I hate everything and I get angry with the world, with myself, with all humans (animals are cool, I love animals no matter what). And what upset me the most is to feel I’m not okay with it, is like I want something else but at the same time I don’t know what it is. Funny, I’m a INFP, it’s a classic feeling to feel this way for INFPs… like something is missing. What? What is it? I don’t know. I want to be okay with what I have so when things get harder I’ll hold on to them.

I’ve a problem with that too, I feel like the only one who can solves my problems is myself, so I tend to keep quiet. I don’t know what to ask in order to get better, not to others, the times when I feel better is because of that advice my own mind gave me. Maybe you can call this trust issues. Probably that’s what it is.

I want to be like some people out there who don’t give a fuck is they have a couple of people in their life, I can be like this just for short periods of times before the “what if…” starts and make me question my whole existence. “You don’t have enough friends maybe this means you don’t have any value”, something like that.

I want to be able to embrace my identity and move on to the next level of achievement, goals, freedom, creativity, happiness.

Advice: /in my own voice to make it count lmao/  Happy, thank you, more please.

Anxiety over good things

So, this post is part of my daily updates seudoproject I’m trying to keep up just to prove myself I can do it. Let’s go for it shall we?

Today was shit.

That’s about it.

Today something really amazing happened.

What a day.

I had anxiety all day long, my heart was driving me insane along with my body’s temperature. For some reason, I was going from hot to cold, and viceversa in just a couple minutes, it was awful because 5 minutes before I was sweating like a motherfucker and 5 minutes later I was under my blanket feeling mad and cursing softly. The back of my head was itching, I don’t know how to put it in words, I just know it was bothering me and lowkey I wanted to scratch really hard the back of my head. By 15:00 I was soft-dissociating, I was feeling light like my body was losing weight all of the sudden, and I couldn’t really focus. I was still very anxious tho, so coping wasn’t really what was happening.

So I did what I do best, started to eat a bunch of information like crazy. Looking youtube videos about social anxiety (that was the trigger, I mean, social anxiety was the trigger) and reading personal experiences online. I wanted just to find the right words that would bring me back to normal. This is a OCD behaviour. And I know that, but I couldn’t really fight against it because at that moment, it made sense to my brain.

What is scaring me lately so badly is coming back to University, I can sometimes overthink what can or not happen, so I loop into infinte thoughts and all this scenarios start popping in my head at the same time, flash flash flash doesn’t allowing me to sit for a minute and think about what is actually important. I was having this internal conversation with no end nor beginning. Really scary. Really easy to get trapped.

So, later on, I went on tumblr and talked with a friend in there. She lives in another country and it happens to be we have so many things in common. She’s really important to me. It’s the only person besides my psychiatrist I can talk about my disorders in depth without feeling like I’m faking or overreacting, she knows OCD is a real deal, first because she suffers anxiety herself, second because she’s a decent human being. That’s all it takes to be honest. I vent with her,  my anxiety got low thank god, and we started to talk about random shit as always.

What happened later it’s what is making me happy/anxious right now at 00:52 in the morning. She told me something really special I don’t want to write in here, but I want to have a record of it for the future me, so I can see how I’m reacting to this things and to learn more about myself. But I can say it feels peaceful, all this emotions are together, anxiety, happiness, peace. I don’t want to jump out of emotion, no, I just want to smile and breathe in all of it. It’s exactly like japanese movies… is a slow feeling, like soft air brushing tree’s leaves, meeting your hair while you rest your head upon the grass. I love it. It makes me anxious because I don’t trust easily, and the last time I tried, I had a panick attack. But maybe she being far, as awful as it is, is a good thing for us, because we can learn about each other as much as we can, and then really get serious about it.

I never say this before on here. But I think it’s time.

I’m asexual, so she is. I believe humans are souls, and not their  race, nationality or gender. So does she. That’s why us being far away doesn’t mean the same to other people. We can learn throught this. And that’s amazing!

My problem is, this happens to me a lot, I feel anxious when good things happen. I had read here and there about this issue, and a good amount of people feel the same way. It’s annoying. Distracting. Instead of just letting the goodness come in and enjoy it, our brains are busy thinking “what if… what if…”. I wish I can just shut it down by saying “dude chill” or “shut the fuck up”, but it’s a natural instic, like eating or sleeping, it’s like since the moment it was created the base sotfware was made to react this way. I’m feeling better while writing this but I hope when I get older I’ll figure out how to overcome this anxiety.

I’ll end this post with quote from a forum, I don’t remember the name, I first learn something about this type of anxiety:

While most days its hard to manage my anxiety, I have to remember that good things happen, and good things wont ever stop happening, even if we think they will. Good things are inevitable. Focus on that.

 

 

I’m gonna try to make daily updates. Emphasis on try

Ok, so I was thinking I should be more casual and talk about what’s going on in my life… that is not much, can’t lie about it,  I spend a lot of my time in home just being in my computer or reading books, but yeah… why not?

I’ve been going this past month to an Hare Krishna place, where I do meditation, yoga, and sometimes I go the partys they organize, and by partys I mean friendly places where there’s no alcohol, nobody smokes, people behave nicely,  and I get to dance and sing mantras and hindu songs. It’s quite nice actually, which I don’t say about any other kind of partys.

I really like this way of living, I don’t know if I’m going to suddenly turn into a vegetarian or something like that, but what I do know is I love the peaceful feeling I get from this people, I love what their literature talk about. It speak about my fears, why people have them, how common it is, and how to be a better human being in general. EVEN THE PLACE SMELL SO GOOD.

I still believe in science and that mental health is a thing, don’t worry I’m still losing my mind, but I also believe in god and the power you bring to your life through meditation. Call me a fucking cliché. My anxiety is still there, my obsessions are still there, but I found something I really love and that’s amazing.

I’m slowly meeting people in Hare Krishna’s. I hope this time I find good people that doesn’t make me feel as lonely. Even tho, they say something is true and it hurts me deeply: I’m the one who doesn’t trust in people, who doesn’t let them love me, who doesn’t open up, that’s why I feel lonely even when there’s people with me, I don’t know how to fix this, maybe this won’t be the life I’ll figure it out, but that’s fine.

I’m going to be posting stuff about this experience, I don’t want anybody to think I one of this assholes who says shit like “you’ll get cure if you do yoga”, shoot me in the face if I start saying bullshit like that. I’ll just be me, with my not so typical brain, saying “this is what I’m experiencing, I feel like is good for me”. You know… I accepted already my anxiety is gonna be with me probably all my life but I want to find good things, some happiness, some break time. It’s reasonable right?