That OCD feeling. I don’t get it.

I love films. I love movies. I’m especially into indie cinema, so I’ve seen a couple of weird movies with concepts worthy of being acid hallucinations, not gonna lie. I like movies with mental health thematics as well, this past months I’ve watched a lot of those, thanks to people’s recommendations and imdb lists because I’m basic and they have all the info that you need in order to pick the perfect movie depending on your mood. I’ve found good ones, tearful ones and others that are way far from reality.

So… I think before continuing with my aloud thinking I should give a little insight about why any of the above have something to do with OCD. Last saturday I received my medical report from my psychiatrist, there, of course, was my diagnosis and the medication I’m currently taking. I wasn’t shock, I knew this from long time ago (kinda), in certain way I believe almost every person with mental health issues or whatever you feel to call it they know we know. I’ve OCD, that was written in my medical report, oh well… other anxiety disorder to add to my shopping cart what’s new?. As I said, I wasn’t suprised but that doesn’t mean I’m capable of processing things fast enough.

I’m sitting here two days later asking myself why I’ve never had ‘that OCD feeling’, why I don’t cringe when things aren’t perfectly place? why I don’t give two furrs if my crappy room is clean or not? I don’t care for order, cleaning, getting everything neat. Believe me I-don’t-care , my house can be a mess and If I have food and my computer I’ll be as fine as if I was living in a crystal palace. So why? Am I even enough OCD for… having OCD?

A little disclaimer: that’s just an stereotype.

Dude, media can be so cruel and misunderstanding with mental health, can they get something right for once? Jesus, María y José. They are people who have certain disorders in this world who don’t fit in the square room of a set studio. General public understand OCD as this perfection seeker individual who scream loudly if their clothes aren’t arrange by color and size. Not everyone is like that. BAM. There you have it. I said it. Actually no suprising at all isn’t it?

My OCD is a silent thief, she sneaks inside my house and create a huge mess, she even leave me sticky notes before leaving: *trigger warning* “fuck you, bitch, you aren’t worth of anything, just go to sleep and never wake up again” / “Do you see that thing over your arm? Are you sick? Are you dying? Oh no”. *end of trigger*. My OCD makes me do stupid stuff, like avoidind going through my college hallway because (social anxiety) I’m scared of people  and (+OCD) I obsess over it to the point I can’t handle it, so I take the elevator to the 3rd floor and spent 15 minutes extra finding my classroom just to avoid the intrussive thoughts. I pull my hair to the point it hurts. I make lists to get ready in the morning. I make lists to take my medication. I make lists to cook breatfast. Because I tend to forget everything and If I forget something I get anxious, and when I get anxious I could possibly have a panic attack and panic attacks are horrible, they feel like drowning, they feel like losing control. And I need to have control.

So next time you watch a movie, a tv show or read something on the internet and you see a mental ill person, don’t think for a single second that’s a representation for everybody with that illness.

We’re multicolor.

Why are you still in black and white?.

 

The importance of silence

I’m not sure what I’m want to express and how to express it, maybe that’s not the best way to start an entry because confidence is all right? I don’t know if this is my social anxiety talking either, but probably it have something to do with it.

Silence in my opinion is a vital source of energy, I need it for recharging, relaxing and recover. If I don’t have my daily dosis of silence, chances are I’ll feel like a mudafoca piece of trash that day. But… what about other people? Are we introverts and we anxious chihuahuas in perpetual state of shaking the only ones who need silence in their life? For some people silence are described as unnatural and uncomfortable lack of sound, my mom, this person I spend so much time with since I’m young and I live with her, she’s one of this people.

The other day we were in separe rooms and I went where she was to take something and she told me “don’t you think the house is too quiet?”, I was so damn shocked, because I didn’t realize how amazing I was feeling because it was perfect, is quiet, is calm, what you are talking about, mom? But she don’t think like that, she’s uncomfortable when there’s such a quietness in our house. It’s interesting.

Although, I still think silence is important for everyone’s life, is unhealthy to allow ourselves to be understimulated all the time… tv, radio, internet, smartphones, cars noises outside, it’s too much! Silence is needed.

And what does it means you can’t be in a place where only you, maybe a book or your computer why not? But there’s nobody else and there isn’t certanly no sound but your own breathing. Why aren’t you capable of being alone with yourself?

Even when two people are having a conversation silence is there, and is natural, and is awkward yes, but it’s meant to be there. A pause, a moment of reflexion, how can you understand the other person feelings and thinking without a short pause? Or you aren’t really listening. We need to stop being scared of silence because it give us wonders if we let it, we can understand ourselves and others better through it, we can create new things when is nothing there to distract us. Silence is needed.