Tomorrow I start Uni again so my social anxiety is kicking in with troublesome thoughts I can hardly control. I’m pretty sure I’m obsessing over some of them, but I’m working on let the anxiety kick in and settle instead of fighting against it, which just makes me twice exhausted.
I have to be honest with you guys, I’ve been avoiding talking with my university “friends”, is you read my posts frequently you noticed by now I always use “” to refers this friends, and as I said before, the reason why I do this is because I’ve trouble believing they are really my friends, no because they aren’t, because I suck at trusting people in general. Also there’s the fact they don’t know I’m mentally ill so they trigger my anxiety by asking “why can you stay another
mother fucker hour in campus?” every time I want to leave home to take a nap.
I thought it can help someone out there struggling with social anxiety to read my daily struggles to feel less alone. More the one time it I saved my sanity when reading someone else feels the same way I do. “So… I’m not going mental… good to know, good to know.”
Yesterday (more like today because it was at 3:00 a.m) before going to sleep I had an anxiety attack, I sat down and tried to think what was bothering me, because I wanted to know if I can give some perspective to my own thinking. Believe or not, anxiety can kick in without you, consciously, understanding the thoughts, you have them they are there somewhere in the void, but you don’t know they are… I wanted to understand. First thing that came to my mind, flashbacks when I was alone waiting for class to start, for some reason this is gasoline for my social anxiety, maybe is the fact I have this sensation other people know I’m by myself in this class so I’m afraid of what they might think. Second place goes to this cycling I fall for when I’m under too much stress: Avoiding responsibilities. I have this problem, when I can’t deal with my anxiety + stress from university work I avoid it, I just open my computer and hours pass until my work is all pilled up in front of my eyes and I can’t do anything about it.
I afraid of my friends asking me why I didn’t answer their text, even tho I had already think the perfect lie for this, I know it makes me look bad me… here… saying I’m gonna lie to them, but I will because I need to protect myself. Even tho, I want to work out in some goals:
- Trying to spend more time with them in Uni.
- At least hang out with them one time outside of Uni.
- Post a instagram picture one time every 15 days (psychiatrist homework ugh)
- Schedule my time in order to study better.
- Pass all my courses.
- And as my new tumblr title says: I’m gonna let that positivity come inside. I’m not a positive person, actually, god knows I love that negative vibe… always thinking about the worse scenario. But I’m gonna try to reach out more positive content, maybe like that… some of it will stick with me.
So there you have it, my friends, this is a human being honest with you, I’m not perfect but I want to be better, I’ll get there slowly, I’m not saying this year and the next I’m gonna change 360º but I want to achieve at least three of this goals. I’m a little bit tired of doing the same things over and over, and I’m sure it’s gonna hurt as hell… you’ll be witnesses of my journey, I’m gonna try to fight, there’s no more options.