So, this post is part of my daily updates seudoproject I’m trying to keep up just to prove myself I can do it. Let’s go for it shall we?
Today was shit.
That’s about it.
Today something really amazing happened.
What a day.
I had anxiety all day long, my heart was driving me insane along with my body’s temperature. For some reason, I was going from hot to cold, and viceversa in just a couple minutes, it was awful because 5 minutes before I was sweating like a motherfucker and 5 minutes later I was under my blanket feeling mad and cursing softly. The back of my head was itching, I don’t know how to put it in words, I just know it was bothering me and lowkey I wanted to scratch really hard the back of my head. By 15:00 I was soft-dissociating, I was feeling light like my body was losing weight all of the sudden, and I couldn’t really focus. I was still very anxious tho, so coping wasn’t really what was happening.
So I did what I do best, started to eat a bunch of information like crazy. Looking youtube videos about social anxiety (that was the trigger, I mean, social anxiety was the trigger) and reading personal experiences online. I wanted just to find the right words that would bring me back to normal. This is a OCD behaviour. And I know that, but I couldn’t really fight against it because at that moment, it made sense to my brain.
What is scaring me lately so badly is coming back to University, I can sometimes overthink what can or not happen, so I loop into infinte thoughts and all this scenarios start popping in my head at the same time, flash flash flash doesn’t allowing me to sit for a minute and think about what is actually important. I was having this internal conversation with no end nor beginning. Really scary. Really easy to get trapped.
So, later on, I went on tumblr and talked with a friend in there. She lives in another country and it happens to be we have so many things in common. She’s really important to me. It’s the only person besides my psychiatrist I can talk about my disorders in depth without feeling like I’m faking or overreacting, she knows OCD is a real deal, first because she suffers anxiety herself, second because she’s a decent human being. That’s all it takes to be honest. I vent with her, my anxiety got low thank god, and we started to talk about random shit as always.
What happened later it’s what is making me happy/anxious right now at 00:52 in the morning. She told me something really special I don’t want to write in here, but I want to have a record of it for the future me, so I can see how I’m reacting to this things and to learn more about myself. But I can say it feels peaceful, all this emotions are together, anxiety, happiness, peace. I don’t want to jump out of emotion, no, I just want to smile and breathe in all of it. It’s exactly like japanese movies… is a slow feeling, like soft air brushing tree’s leaves, meeting your hair while you rest your head upon the grass. I love it. It makes me anxious because I don’t trust easily, and the last time I tried, I had a panick attack. But maybe she being far, as awful as it is, is a good thing for us, because we can learn about each other as much as we can, and then really get serious about it.
I never say this before on here. But I think it’s time.
I’m asexual, so she is. I believe humans are souls, and not their race, nationality or gender. So does she. That’s why us being far away doesn’t mean the same to other people. We can learn throught this. And that’s amazing!
My problem is, this happens to me a lot, I feel anxious when good things happen. I had read here and there about this issue, and a good amount of people feel the same way. It’s annoying. Distracting. Instead of just letting the goodness come in and enjoy it, our brains are busy thinking “what if… what if…”. I wish I can just shut it down by saying “dude chill” or “shut the fuck up”, but it’s a natural instic, like eating or sleeping, it’s like since the moment it was created the base sotfware was made to react this way. I’m feeling better while writing this but I hope when I get older I’ll figure out how to overcome this anxiety.
I’ll end this post with quote from a forum, I don’t remember the name, I first learn something about this type of anxiety:
While most days its hard to manage my anxiety, I have to remember that good things happen, and good things wont ever stop happening, even if we think they will. Good things are inevitable. Focus on that.